From little people to far too many children, families that run pawn shops to a new show called “Duck Dynasty” that we really hope is about Daffy being made king but fear is about corporate hillbillies, it would seem like every conceivable kind of family has been featured in a reality show. But yet there are still countless more family types just begging for their 15 minutes…or six seasons…of fame.
Lost Family
Tagline: “A family wakes up to find themselves in the middle of nowhere with only a compass, a single Luna bar, and a A&E TV contract with their forged signatures.”
Episodes: Family loses a member due to an unexpected bear mauling; Family loses a member due to an unforeseen 800-foot cliff drop; Family loses a member due to an understandable outbreak of cannibalism after three weeks without food.
Wives Who Don’t Know They’re Married to Assassins
Tagline: “Wives have no idea what their husbands do for a living until this show goes on the air and the entire family is wiped out for knowing too much.”
Episodes: Wife doesn’t understand why entire family trip is being spent on a high-rise rooftop tracking a foreign dignitary through a rifle scope; Wife suspects the stench from the trunk may be the result of forgotten groceries, though that wouldn’t explain the growing pool of blood on the driveway; Wife is denied rental from Enterprise after husband blows up 12th car in a row for “test run.”
The Undead
Tagline: “What happens when a vampire and zombie try to raise a family together? Turns out they’re actually raising an army instead and our film crew gets killed during the pilot.”
Episodes: After 120 hours of taping half the cast doesn’t show up on film because they’re vampires; During taped confessionals the other half of the cast just moans for three hours straight while trying to gnaw the flesh off their own fingers; The show is cancelled when an outdoor sequence inadvertently decimates humanity.
Reality Show Film Crew
Tagline: “A family that films reality shows turns the camera on themselves only to reveal how much they hate their jobs, the people they film, and Bravo for holding them hostage.”
Episodes: The film crew breaks down and sobs uncontrollably when told they have to follow Bethany around for 11 hours; The film crew tapes “The Fake Housewives of Celebrities,” a show about clinically psychotic stalkers who think they’re married to movie stars; The film crew still has no idea what the f*** a “Rachel Zoe” is.
Italians NOT from New Jersey
Tagline: “We can’t all be horribly offensive, uneducated stereotypes who look like someone simply shaved a gorilla.”
Episodes: Parents go to their highly-esteemed, white collar jobs that have nothing to do with bars, loading docks, or construction companies that really should be called “MobCo”; Kids spend their summers at business internships, not at the beach drinking until their hearts pump Cuervo; Family doesn’t understand why a middle-aged man would call himself “The Situation.”
Robots
Photo by author
Tagline: “Why the hell not?”
Episodes: Robot family performs preprogrammed tasks for 36 hours straight; Robot family embarrasses themselves and all robots during the wedding of C-3PO and R2-D2; Robot family attempts to overthrow humanity only to realize they can’t climb stairs.
What are some other types of families that shoul get a reality show? Let us know in the comments!
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