Do you stink at video games? It’s okay to say yes, we won’t laugh at you (actually, we will, and you might be so bad it becomes a meme, but try not to think about that). Well, game developers figured that would happen, so for the last two-plus decades, they’ve been filling their games with characters who either help you out by offering advice along the way, or who can actually be played by a friend. A good, decent friend, who doesn’t mind having to bail you out of sticky situations because you share lives and CONTRA IS HARD ENOUGH WITHOUT YOU DRAGGING ME DOWN WITH YOU, JEFF!!!!!! … Anyway, here are the 7 Worst Sidekicks in Video Games:
Slippy the Toad, From Star Fox 64
I know that Falco technically gets into trouble more often than Slippy does, but he doesn't sound like Martin Prince from the Simpsons while he's begging for your help. “Pick me teacher, I’m ever so smart! Also, enemy shields analyzed”.
The Dog, From Duck Hunt
If you don't know why this is on here, then you've neither played Duck Hunt, nor truly felt the deepest level of rage humans can feel.
Baby Mario, From Yoshi’s Island
Whenever I saw a single parent tiredly schlepping a baby from point a to point b, knowing that the slightest disturbance will send it into a wailing fit of tears, I never thought "boy, that would make a fun videogame". This game confirmed my suspicion.
Jimmy Dragon/Lance “Scorpion” Bean/Bad Dude Striker
Sure, these guys are all perfectly capable of fighting and getting the job done, but they’re only available if there’s a second player. Be an individual, get some outside interests. I’d love to be introduced to someone named “Striker” who informs me they enjoy macramé.
The Colonel, From Metal Gear Solid 2
I think the best way to describe the plot of this is game is “Who the f*ck knows”, and nothing symbolizes that better than the Colonel. Supposedly your main guide through the game, it turns out he was actually an advanced AI because the real Colonel was dead. Or something? God, Raiden was the worst…
Navi, From Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time
“Hey, Listen!” No, you listen. If I wanted someone to constantly be interrupting me while I was playing Nintendo 64, I wouldn’t have pushed my brother down those stairs when I was seven.
Your Friend, From Your Life
Look, if I wanted to be constantly given bad advice on what I should do next, I never would have thrown my Ocarina of Time cartridge down those stairs when I was sixteen. Whether offering unsolicited, unhelpful advice in single player, or thinking it’s hilarious to “Shoot your ass” in multiplayer, your friend is dead weight. Who needs them?
Who else in your life just feels like dead weight? Let us know in the comments!
Check Out What It Would Be Like If Video Games Were Real Life!
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