When Al Gore invented the internet in 1991, he had no way of knowing the horrific repercussions of his actions. In the two decades since the world wide web made its uh, world wide debut, it has made few (if any) positive contributions to our culture. The most successful phenomena the ‘net has birthed – “To Catch a Predator," “Two Girls, One Cup," “Justin Bieber" – are all morally and intellectually bankrupt. Indeed, the internet is a vast, meme-filled wasteland that is sucking what remains of our culture dry. Don't believe me? Check out these indisputable facts:
Haters Gotta Hate...in Public
According to FabricatedStatisticsAboutTheInternet.biz, 97% of all bandwidth used online is devoted to status updates about how “haters" can “suck it."
Yelping Into the Void
Sites like Yelp make people think that their opinion actually matters – what's next, democracy?
"MySpace Pics"
We now live in a world in which taking a photo like this is considered perfectly acceptable behavior.
Piracy Smiracy
It's now possible to illegally download Metallica's entire catalog, much to the band's (and my) chagrin. The band's upset ‘cause it decreases their profits; I'm upset ‘cause it means people are still listening to Metallica.
Warped Priorities
Over 30 million people watched that inane Rebecca Black video. But only 30 people watched the super cute video I put up of my cat playing with a laser pointer. :(
No Concept of Hard Work
It made it super easy to find nude people, which in turn created a generation of kids who have never had to root through the woods to find crumpled pictures of naked ladies. It created a generation that lacks CHARACTER, damnit!
You've Got Male
No one uses AOL any more. How do you expect me to have self-esteem if I'm not getting hit on by 45 year old sex perverts constantly?
OMG HOW EMBARRASSING!!!!
OMG. Your mom's on Facebook. And she tagged you in a buncha childhood photos. And Trey saw 'em. And now he won't go to the gorge with you. Dude – your culture's, like, super messed up. Wait…what does "culture" mean again?
What else has the internet done to signify the End of Days? Let us know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
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