A New Harry Potter Book! (Sort Of!)

Daniel Dominguez

J.K. Rowling, the kindly older woman who created Harry Potter, has decided to bless Potter fans once again with even more Potter in written form. This time not with a new story, but with the POTTERPEDIA.

 

It's got Pet Sematary fans clamouring for a Pet Semapedia

 

The Encyclopedia will be comprehensive guide to all things Potter, offering meticulous explanations of Hogwarts History, creature lore, and what Hermione smells like when she's taking a bath.

 

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I bet it's blueberries

 

J.K. Rowling has promised to do very thorough research for the Encyclopedia, actually traveling to Hogwarts, where she will sit in on a class, take a tour of the woodlands around the institution, interview staff and students, and smell Hermione deeply and thoroughly while she bathes.

 

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The real Hogwarts

 

But before J.K. begins the Potterpedia she's going to have to finish her new adult book "The Casual Vacancy," which is in no way about Harry Potter. Although you can do what I did and change all the character's names to characters in Harry Potter, so it basically reads like a new Harry Potter book.

For instance, an excerpt: "An unhappy alternative is before you, Harry Potter. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. --Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do."

See, basically it works.

 

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J.K. Rowling, pictured here at an illegal underground child boxing match, smiling because the child she bet on won

 

I can only hope the hidden cam shots of Emma Watson bathing section is as extensive as it is in my imagination.

 

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She's gotta clean herself sometime. And when she does, I'll be there.

 

Potter fans should rejoice in being able to shell out between $20 and $40 for a big book that has all the stuff they remember from reading Harry Potter in it. Personally I'd save my money and just wait until they come out with House Elves so I can buy one and throw darts at him while he scrubs my kitchen floor.

 

What would you do with a House Elf if you had one? Let us know in the comments!

 

Check Out These Amazing Harry Potter Motivators!