America loves its presidents. From George Washington to Barack Obama, we've looked upon them with respect, admiration, and dignity. But what about when they're zombies? We're gonna look like a bunch of real jerks if we salute whenever they burst through our barricades. And while it'll be hard for any American to shoot a former commander in chief, here are some dead presidents who would make surviving the zombie apocalypse really difficult.
Theodore Roosevelt
During a speech, Roosevelt was shot in the chest, and instead of going to the hospital, he finished the speech. The guy was goddamn impervious to bullets. Theodore Roosevelt might very well be the end boss zombie that appears after you put both wolf and eagle medals in the fountain.
William Howard Taft
I do not have enough bullets to bring down Taft. You do not have enough bullets to bring down Taft. Our world does not have enough bullets to bring down Taft, and that is why we shall fall.
Lyndon B. Johnson
I just have a real soft spot for Lyndon Johnson and it would be hard to see him like this.
Jimmy Carter
He's still alive? Really? Well, good. Uh, good. Glad to have him on our, um, on our team.
Richard Nixon
Even when he was alive, no one could suck the hope out of a room like Richard Nixon. That is a devastating ability in the zombie apocalypse. Who's going to be able to fight when you see that sickening, repulsive grin shambling towards you, his jowls flapping in the wind, half an index finger missing as he raises the double V sign. Why did he do that all the time anyway?
Grover Cleveland
After Grover Cleveland lost the presidency to Benjamin Harrison, it was assumed his political career was dead. But he came back, back to win the presidency from Harrison and claim a second term as president. If this guy rises as a zombie, the only one capable of stopping him is William McKinley, and then we've got to go through this whole thing where we have to resurrect him, but not as a zombie, and it's just a big headache.
William Henry Harrison
All children dream of one day becoming the President, and of the 44 who have achieved that dream, no one drew a shorter straw than William Henry Harrison. Dying of pneumonia 30 days after his inauguration, Harrison would have the most pent-up aggression when he rises from the grave since the time Macho Man Randy Savage rose from the grave last year to win back the Intercontinental title at WrestleMania.
Ronald Reagan
Do you know how convincing Ronald Reagan was? This is the guy who got America to believe that rich people would help poor people if they had just a little more money. If he rose from the dead, he would be convincing humans that it was in their best economic interests to hunt each other. There would be nowhere to run from zombie Reagan, except perhaps Minnesota, which is, as the 1984 presidential campaign taught us, the one state immune to his charms:
Which President are you most worried will become a zombie? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
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