Comic books are just pornography for nerds (not to say, of course, that nerds don't also like pornography). They're fantasy – nothin' more, nothin' less. They're an escape from their miserable nerd lives; a respite from the swirlies, noogies and wedgies of the day-to-day. That being said, there's nothing "real" about comic characters – they're completely, absurdly, fantastical. But what if they were real? In the case of the Avengers, I think they'd look a little somethin'…LIKE THIS:
Captain America
In the Marvel universe, this card carrying member of the Greatest Generation got injected with an awesome experimental serum that gave him, like, sick powers. In our universe, the dude would have just been injected with TB. Now he'd be injecting himself with alcohol and waiting for the sweet release of death.
The Hulk
The fictional Hulk is an average size, average demeanor scientist most of the time. Yeah, right. If Hulk were real, he'd be a morbidly obese dude taking court-ordered anger management courses…and he sure as hell wouldn't have a PhD.
Iron Man
Ah, Iron Man. An eccentric billionaire/playboy/philanthropist gallivanting around in armor he made himself. If he were real? He'd totally be Donald Trump, a genuinely eccentric billionaire/playboy/philanthropist (well, without the philanthropy) who used his cash to surround himself in a comical run for president.
Thor
So Thor's a prince from Asgard? That's all well and good, but Asgard DOESN'T EXIST (did I just blow your mind right now?). The real Thor would be an inexplicably ripped homeless dude with long, stringy hair who thinks he's God.
Black Widow
The fictional Black Widow is one of the world's greatest spies (and Soviet babes). The real life one is just a Russian mail-order bride who dresses up in skintight catsuits because her husband makes her.
Hawkeye
Let's get real, folks. In real life, Hawkeye wouldn't use his archery skills for the good of mankind. He'd use 'em to get laid and get on TV. Because he's an DUDE, OK?
Nick Fury
The funny papers version of Nick Fury is the director of the international peacekeeping organization S.H.I.E.L.D. In real life, peace is for burnouts – as such, the Nickster would probably just be one of those dudes who organizes drum circles. And he'd be super into hacky sack.
What other comic book characters do you think would be wildly different in real life? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
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