In ancient Egyptian times, all kings and Pharaohs put very specific curses on their tombs before they died. These curses ensured that many terrible things would happen to whoever was present when the tomb was opened. So I got together with the 26 other souls who were with me the day we opened and subsequently defiled the burial place of Amenhotep III and we put together a list of the top ten consequences of befalling a mummy's curse! Enjoy!
10. Never stop hearing screaming
But hey, at least now you don't have to hear that baby crying all the time in the apartment above you.
9. Walls turn to roaches
The worst part about having your walls turn to roaches is that you don't know if it's really happening or not, and furthermore, you can't tell if your walls have only recently been turned to roaches or if they've always been roaches. But the best part is... well, there is none. Your walls are roaches.
8. PSN goes down
Remember last year when the PlayStation Network went down? Mummies. That was all about mummies. But when it comes back, you'll get two free game downloads (if you're somehow alive)!
7. Grandma eaten by giant snake
This one works out pretty great too, because she was hoping to die soon anyway! You were just too big of a coward to do it yourself!
6. Chipotle runs out of steak
But I guess the chicken is pretty good too.
5. Bed turns into snakes
But your sheets don't turn to snakes, so you end up with a big writhing bed to sleep on. It's basically like having one of those Magic Fingers beds in filthy motels except you don't have to keep putting 25 cents in all the time and also your eternal soul is forfeit!
4. Chased by mummy
Uh oh! If he touches you you turn to ash and crumble. It's like playing tag, except with stakes.
3. You accidentally read spoilers from Twitter for all the season finales on your DVR
This ends up being a great consequence because a lot of season finales were let downs this year. I mean, was How I Met Your Mother cursed by a mummy this season?
2. You die
Yeah, bummer. But hey, since you know you're about to die, why not go open a bunch more mummy tombs while you wait?
1. Your dog howls and dies at the exact moment you die
Now you get to spend eternity with your dog, playing tug of war and rubbin' his belly!
I mean, you would, if your eternal souls weren't forfeit. I cannot emphasize enough how much your souls are eternally forfeit.
What are your favorite consequences of opening mummy tombs? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
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