Hollywood is on a mission to destroy your childhood. The Smurfs? Ruined by 3-D and Katy Perry's voice. Alvin and the Chipmunks? Turned into the sell-out stars of "Chipwrecked," a movie that basically functions as a two-hour commercial for Carnival Cruise lines. The sick jerks that run Tinseltown revel in massacring the characters you once loved. And their most egregious offense just happens to be their latest: this week's "Snow White and the Huntsman," an EXTREME retelling of the popular fairy tale. In honor of this EXTREME-ly horrible looking film, allow me to propose some future EXTREME fairy tale flicks that will taint your childhood memories with their INTENSITY:
Hansel and Gretel
Instead of merely burning the witch who was tryin' to eat 'em, Hansel and Gretel...GET EVEN. (Cue twenty minute shoot-em-up sequence.)
Sleeping Beauty
In the actual story, Sleeping Beauty's curse dictates that she'll die by pricking her finger on a spindle. In the EXTREME version, the curse says she'll die by falling off of a dirt bike (while doing a sweet flip, of course). In order to protect his daughter, the king outlaws motocross in the land...until that fateful day when everything falls apart...
Cinderella
Wanna make Cinderella EXTREME? Easy. Instead of having her leave a glass slipper at the ball, have her leave a can of Monster energy drink. Boom. Done.
Beauty and the Beast
Fed up with the endless stream of skeevy dudes who hit on her all the time, Belle decides to kiss a girl…and she likes it. Bo-iiing!
Aladdin
GAME CHANGER: Murder can be one of Aladdin's three wishes. Murder ensues.
Jack and the Beanstalk
Jack finally makes his way up the beanstalk to find...hot chicks and cool tunes. SWEET! (Cue twenty-minute guitar solo.)
Have any other childhood memories you’d like for me to ruin? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
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