In the early days of man, we would trek long and far to find a saber-toothed tiger to throw rocks at until we had weakened it enough to charge in. We would use rocks light enough to lift yet heavy enough to make an impact until we had beaten that beautiful, horrible animal to death and could begin ripping the meat from its bones and devouring it. And now, just 43,000 years later, we can eat pizza out of a vending machine 2.5 minutes after pushing a button.
"Yeah, but what can you do for me now?! Yeeowza!"
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Netherlands company A1 Concepts will soon be bringing its popular "Let's Pizza" vending machine to America, as revealed by the company's CEO Ronald Rammers to pizza industry analysis website Pizzamarketplace.com (which, f*ck, I guess had to exist). You can watch the Let's Pizza demo video right here:
Yes. Let's all pizza.
I just... I just feel like pizza is already incredibly easy to get. Like, if I wanted pizza right now, literally this very second, I could open a new tab, type "P" and then "I" and my browser's history will fill in the rest of the URL for me. Then twenty minutes later a human being will bring a pizza to my door. RIGHT TO MY DOOR. And since I already paid online, all I have to do at that point is roll my chair over to the door, unlock it, and start making literally ANY noise.
"Sir, I hear a gurgling in there. Is there a window you want me to throw this into?"
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You know, before he was President, John F. Kennedy spent World War 2 in the Navy, and found himself captaining a boat that would be split in half by a Japanese destroyer. He spent over 15 hours in the water, allowing his injured crew to rest on the hull while he tread water so it wouldn't sink. Eventually Kennedy was forced to pull a badly burned engineer by a strap with his teeth as they swam to a small island where they would spend days scrounging for food until their eventual rescue.
Now are you going to look me in the goddamn eye and tell me that Jack Kennedy would have that kind of determination if he had ever, even once, pushed a goddamn button and gotten a GODDAMN PIZZA? I'm just going to say it. If you ever eat from a Let's Pizza vending machine you are disqualified from ever being President.
Enjoy a career teaching political science, you f*ckin' idiot.
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Are you going to track down one of these pizza vending machines? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out these Super Awesome Custom Pizzas!
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