Did you ever have to learn ballroom dancing in 6th grade gym class? You know how the teacher would separate the boys and the girls, ask if any of the boys wanted to dance with a specific girl, and when none of our awkward, gangly selves wanted to get up and admit we had a crush on any one girl, let alone all of them, we would be assigned a random partner to hold close while we stumbled through a foxtrot. This is, a lot of times, how superheroes and super villains get tied together—some comic artist just creates whomever and tosses him in with whomever. For the most effective and comfortable stories, some trades should be made! Such as—
Lex Luthor for Killer Croc
On the real, Superman can beat any villain. Like, ANY villain! Except a guy who's super smart and has money. You know who can stop a guy who is super smart and has money? A guy who is super smart and has money. Batman has a deep, deep roster of villains to trade, and none of them particularly pose a threat to him because, again, he's a guy who is super smart and has money.
Carnage for Gorilla Grodd
Spider-Man's villains all have a certain tone—they wear silly electricity masks or flamboyant hunter costumes. There's a certain 60's goofiness to them. So who fits that better than The Flash's archrival, Gorilla Grodd. He is a super-intelligent monkey. That's funny! Gorilla Grodd belongs fighting Spider-Man. A serial killer with the power to turn his hands into knives and his chest into spikes and his feet into knives? Less so.
Black Manta for the jellyfish from Finding Nemo
Look, Aquaman is clearly not capable of fighting a real villain from the DC Universe. I'm not even suggesting Aquaman fight the main villain from Finding Nemo, because if he had to battle the barracuda who ate the mom fish and Nemo's brother's eggs I can't imagine Aquaman could keep his tears in check.
Jigsaw for The Riddler
The Punisher can't seem to finish Jigsaw because his mob connections and status make it hard to get him alone. It'd be pretty easy for him to shoot The goddamn Riddler in the face, though.
Cheetah for The Devil
When we look at the number of people who purchase rock music and pornography, work on the sabbath, and get gay married, it becomes clear that God is losing his fight against the Devil. I say we give Wonder Woman a crack.
Abomination for Magneto
Since The Abomination is basically another Hulk, The X-Men could use teamwork and strategy to defeat him, where Hulk's brute strength just left he and Abomination at a stalemate. And while The X-Men couldn't just defeat Magneto because deep down they know there are hints of truth to Magneto's cause—perhaps mutants are being treated poorly. Perhaps they do deserve similar rights as the rest of Americans. Perhaps their status as second-class citizens in the eyes of the rest of the world is unearned andHULK SMASH. HULK SMASH ALL NUANCED ARGUMENT.
John Boehner (R-OH) for The Joker
President Obama can't handle the ruthlessness of House Speaker John Boehner. A clown man with a smile carved into his face who beat a little boy in a circus costume to death might be a little more his speed.
What super villain trades would you make? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 9 Superhero Teams That Should Not Get Their Own Movie!
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