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I'm pretty sure every little girl these days wants to grow up to be a Disney Princess. This is a sad thing right? Like not as sad as wanting to grow up to be Hannah Montana or Bella Swan, but still pretty sad. I suggest parents of young girls check out say Hermione Granger or maybe Katniss Everdeen, cause I don't really see the appeal of most of these ladies. Sure they're pretty and get the man of their dreams and…well Belle likes to read, so there's that. But to me they just kind of seem like the popular girls in high school, the ones who act all sweet in front of adults, but are actually total BEEYOTCHES. Here's my picks for the Disney Princesses that seem kind of bitchy.
Ariel
Why does Ariel want more?? Sure she couldn't walk on feet or jump or dance....but bitch, I can't live under water or flip around or be the princess of the friggin' ocean!?! By the way dummy the ocean covers 70% of the earth's surface, so you're actually getting less when you choose land. Ariel is the typical annoyingly selfish girl who always wants what she doesn't have. Hurting all of her sea friends and family for a friggin' boyfriend. I'm sure after a few more years with boring Prince Eric she'll start looking up in the friggin' sky and dreaming about spreading her wings and touching a cloud. Bitch, PLEASE! I hope Ursula takes you out this time!
Pocahontas
How you gonna go diss John Smith for your people in the first movie, after he saves your dad's life and then in the sequel after he helps you out AGAIN, you're all like googoo eyes for John Rolfe? Yeah, I saw Pocahontas II: Journey to a New World, what of it? Pocohontas is a classic friendzone chick. And if that ain't some kind of bitchery I don't know what is. Plus she sings 'Colors of the Wind'. I still sometimes get that stuck in my head and it makes me feel uncool as hell when I accidentally belt out 'Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon' at the top of my lungs in public. F U POCAHONTAS!
Belle
Look, I get it. You're the smartest bitch in town. Trust me that's how I felt growing up in my family. But what my family lacked in brains they made up for with their colorful behavior. Why you gotsta be so snooty, Belle? Belle is nothing but polite to your face, but you get the feeling she's constantly judging everything you do as inferior. Well, at least I've never made out with and animal, Belle! That's even illegal in Florida, the craziest state in America! How you gonna tongue kiss a beast and then judge me for reading literature on a Kindle? You CRAYCRAY Belle!
Jasmine
Of all the Disney Princesses I hate Jasmine the most. I seriously can't stand her. She's the type of girl who talks about how hard is it to be SO pretty, because all the good guys are too intimidated by her looks to ask her out. Mmmmhmm. So then she gets Aladdin, a good guy, and starts questioning his integrity in The Return of Jafar. So NO ONE is good enough for her? EVER!?!? WHAT A BITCH! And yes, I pretty much see all direct-to-DVD Disney sequels, in case you were wondering. I wish she was never animated. Besides getting rid of her spoiled bitchiness, if she didn't exist my eyes wouldn't have to be bombarded with slutty Jasmine-costumed skanks every Halloween. Which can be especially disconcerting when the girl is under 12.
Rapunzel
This might be bit of a personal pet peeve, I'll admit it. But you know how there's always that bitch in high school who has the hair that everyone is jealous of? For me that girl was named Jessica. And she once asked me if I had pubic hair in front of a guy I was crushing on. I know...right? After that I spent weeks fantasizing about cutting all of her hair off. I still dream about it occasionally to this day, but less so, since I'm like, mature now. So even though I haven't seen any suspect bitchy behavior from famous-for-her-hair Rapunzel yet, I wouldn't be surprised to find out that she secretly hits people with a frying pan of mean words every now and then.
Mulan
Let me say this up front, MULAN IS MY FAVORITE DISNEY PRINCESS OF ALL TIME!! I seriously cry when I hear Reflection. So when I say she's kind of bitchy, this girl is bitchy in the best way possible! How else you gonna stand up to the mother of all High Expectations Asian Fathers and the friggin' Huns? That kind of strength can only come from knowing you're an irresistibly hot-ass bitch! Even Li Shang couldn't resist Mulan and he thought she was a dude! She was all like "PFFT! Go ahead question your sexuality. I ain't got time for your bullsh*t feelings. I'm saving the emperor, fool!" She's like the Samuel L. Jackson of the Disney Princesses. I totally wanna grow up to be her!
What say you, oh wise readers? Let me know @desijedeikin or in the comments below!
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