Just like movies, breakfast cereal companies have tried to create successful sequels to their most popular brands and characters. But few have won over new fans each morning.
Candy Corn Pops
With a box that could be spotted by satellites but would burn your retinas clear off if looked at within a one-mile radius, “Candy Corn Pops” took a cereal (“Corn Pops”) that was considered moderately healthy if only because it mentioned a vegetable in its name as opposed to “Cinnabon” and turned it into a Halloween nightmare that might as well also have said, “Now with circus peanuts, Chiclets, and that trick-or-treat candy you can’t stand but every parent buys because they get like a thousand for a nickel.” Meant to magically appear on shelves every October, “Candy Corn Pops” was pulled when Kellogg’s realized candy corn—like strawberry hard candies, Mary Janes, and unwrapped apples with razor blades sticking out—are exactly what kids avoid every Halloween.
Banana Frosted Flakes
Some cereal sequels are more flavor-intense versions of the original (such as “Cocoa Puffs Brownie Crunch,” which looked like a bowl of charcoal briquettes spotted with burnt bugs). Some introduce a new character into the cereal family (like Flintstones’ “Dino Pebbles,” which unfortunately sounded like a breakfast of dinosaur sh*t). But when it came to a sequel to “Frosted Flakes” Kellogg’s simply said, “Eh, toss a banana in there. Or a cucumber. I don’t care, Just see what’s in the fridge. But stay away from my beer!” Of course, where Kellogg’s really put their creative energy was into a commercial in which Tony the Tiger jumped off a banana boat wearing a straw hat and danced to a samba beat before all of South America attacked the U.S. for flagrant stereotyping.
Froot Loops Smoothie
Sounding like a health shake that you just know is going to go down wrong, “Froot Loops Smoothies” was Toucan Sam’s attempt to make his cereal sound healthy by stressing the word “yogurt.” Of course, this is like M&M’s trying to prove they’re healthy by stressing the words “sold in a bag rather than scattered on a sidewalk.” That’s because not only is yogurt used to cover everything from Oreos to gummy bears but also not even the phrase “free-range loops” could make these day-glo rings look organic or anything other than the sort of intergalactic element that could kill Superman.
Razzle Dazzle Rice Krispies
What if Rice Krispies went to a rave? Well, for starters the toy surprise would be glow sticks, a pacifier, and 37 bottles of water. But it would also result in this, in which Snap, Crackle, and Pop are not only trying way to hard to be cool but are also clearly tweaking in what they believe is a giant bowl of cereal but is probably a dumpster out back. Add the fact that the cereal has a name and font that despite appearing in the late 90’s looks like hooker would have worn in the 1970’s and you had a cereal that was doomed to fail. But truth is what really killed it was that people who gladly ate cereal made out of Oreos, Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, and Dunkin Donuts thought it was way too sweet.
Pop Tarts Crunch
Not so much a sequel to another cereal as a sequel to an entirely different breakfast food, “Pop Tart Crunch” is what happens when someone’s last will leaves a company in the hands of a five-year-old, who then blindly grabs the first thing out of the kitchen pantry and says “Shove this in a bowl!,” thereby almost selling “Kellogg’s Combat Roach Killing Gel Flakes.” The cereal also made people feel like they were eating two different breakfasts at once, making them fear this was their first step to consuming “Chex Sausage,” “Frosted Fried Eggs,” and “Shove a Spanish Omelet inside a Jelly Donut.”
42 Million Types of Cap’n Crunch
Photo by author
Like a felon regularly assuming new identities to avoid the feds (or at least the Coast Guard), Cap’n Crunch has introduced more spin-offs, sequels, and possibly prequels (a box of unprocessed corn and oats) than any other cereal on the market. Failed attempts to extend the captain’s might fleet include “Vanilly Crunch” (whose box showed whales how to apply lipstick), “Punch Crunch” (which was pulled from shelves when religious groups thought the hippo sailor was being a bit too flirty), “Oops, All Berries” (caused when the Cap’n was promoted to admiral and his underlings screwed up cereal production), “Soft Crunch” (designed not to tear the roof of your mouth, thereby defeating the whole point of “Cap’n Crunch”), “Cinnamon Crunch” (the first cereal to be based on a villain character since The Joker’s “Eat It or I Pull the Trigger”), “Choco Donuts” (in which Quaker Cereal said, “I bet kids would eat a bag of sugar coated in honey if we put the Cap’n on it”) and “Deep Sea Crunch” (which made it sound like you were about to pour milk over a bowl of tempura).
Which one do you think sounds the worst? Let us know in the comments!
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