When I first saw the Toy Story movies they completely changed my life. And by changed my life I mean f&^$ed with my fragile little mind. I couldn’t throw my toys around or gnaw at them absent-mindedly without feeling like I had to apologize to them profusely. Sure, I still made them have all sorts of kinked out sex by humping species together. But I at least had the decency to feel a tinge of remorse afterwards and not look any one of them in the eye. But there are those toys you know if they came to life it wouldn’t be all stoner hijinx like Ted. It would be all Chucky, all the time. Toys like:
Teddy Ruxpin
Ted has gone on to make millions of dollars so you’d think I’d love to have a cash cow of my own to do bong hits and merchandise. Well, if you ever beheld an actual Teddy Ruxpin you would not wish for such things. Once the Ruxpin’s become sentient the only stories they will tell are the tales of your doom.
Operation
OH MY GOD THAT POOR MAN IS GAPING OPEN AND ALL I HAVE ARE TWEEZERS AND THE SHAKY HANDS OF MICHAEL J FOX. WHAT? HIS NAME IS “CAVITY SAM”? WHAT TERRIBLE IRONY!
Glo Worms
I get it. Glo Worms are cartoonishly adorable and if you’re afraid of the dark like my little brother (but definitely not me) they give you some comfort. You know what’s not a comforting thought? Sleeping in a pile of worms.
Cymbal Banging Monkey
The Cymbal Banging Monkey is on this list because it is the first toy Satan made in his toy shop inside Santa’s urethra. It has graced the cover of horribly awesome horror film Monkey Shines as well as starring in a short story from Stephen King. Basically, it is the scariest toy ever conceived and it was made in Japan. Thanks Japan! No really, thank you. Because they could easily have made the monkey enormous and had him fight downtown Tokyo with sonic blasts from his maniacal cymbols. I want this monkey coming to life like I want a bun in the oven…
Reborn Doll
You have got to be sharting me. If this comes to life I’m leaving it on Sarah Palin’s doorstep with the last one. If you’re not convinced of how insanely creepy and sad both these toys and the clientele that buy the dang things are read this and then get yourself some Phish Food and go to town on some Legend of Korra while rocking yourself gently back into a sense of calm.
Baby Laughs-A-Lot
Presented without comment
Any toys you’d hate to see come to life? Let us know in the comments and then run, RUN!
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