You cut your friends a lot of slack because, let’s face it, they could ditch you at any moment. You know it, and Sarah F. knew it back in sixth grade. But maybe now that you’re about to be one school year older, it’s time to take a step back and reevaluate if your friendships are working for you. If your friends are committing one or more of the following Biggest Friend Offenses on a regular basis, you’re better off eating lunch alone.
Not Offering You Gum
You’ve caught your friend hands-under-the-table as he snuck a stick of gum out of the pack. This stealth move was an act of selfishness -- an unwillingness to share -- and (according to a recent tweet by @mindykaling) sharing is the basis of a true friendship. Your friend would rather you go clammy-mouth than allow himself to suffer the indignity of being out of gum for an afternoon. Keep track of these instances in your assignment notebook.
Not Saving You A Seat
Whether it’s on the bus, in the cafeteria, or at one of those anxiety-inducing “low-key” weddings where they don’t have place cards, if your friend doesn’t save you a seat, she’s sending you a message. First, she doesn’t want to sit by you. She has bigger fish to fry down at the veteran’s hall fish fry/Bingo night. Second, she doesn’t care if everyone knows that she didn’t need to sit by you. Because when you show up late, hover over her table, and ask if there’s room to squeeze in a chair (there clearly isn’t… “low-key” really just means “poorly planned”), everyone at that table will just stare at you like you should start your own table, friendless creature.
Leaving Your Birthday Party Early
What… did this friend have somewhere more important to be? Leaving your birthday is like ditching you at the side of the road. You’ll be vulnerable to predatory hitchhiker-picker-uppers (in this case, the fourth-tier obligatory guests and random creepos at the birthday bar). Let’s face it: your friend doesn’t care for your safety or happiness. And seriously, whose party did he just run off to? Is there an anti-you conspiracy amongst your friends?
Stealing Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend
This one might seem a bit obvious, but I thought it deserved a place in writing. Your friend of all people knows how hard it is for you to maintain an intimate romantic relationship. She knows this is your once a year, one-month stint. Couldn’t she have waited until the inevitable blow-up/fizzle-out in 4.5 weeks? That’s just poor planning. And as we know, “poor planning” really just means “low-key,” which really just means your friend doesn’t give a crap about you.
Bringing Diet Rite To The Party
Unless you and your friends are sewer-dwellers, you should not be living like one. The person who brings Diet Rite to the party went out of his way to go to the cheaper grocery store because he’d rather his friends deal with a chemical aftertaste than spend an extra dollar on two liters of brand-name Coke. There is a good chance the person who brought Diet Rite also brought the STD he obtained from the cheaper whorehouse on the cheaper Mexican spring break trip.
Being Happy When You’re Unhappy
Misery loves company. So, by the mathematical property of you being in a bad f’ing mood, when your company isn’t miserable, you hate your company. Nothing personal, just logic. Gotta look out for number one!
What are some other friend offenses? Let us know in the comments!
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