The average American watches about an hour's worth of TV commercials...per day. If you do the math, you’ll come to the horrifying conclusion that one out of every 24 years of our lives is squandered watching loud, poorly edited clips extolling the virtues of boner pills. Most commercials are terrible. Some, however, are more infuriating than others. If pressured to pick just one mega-insufferable component of commercials, I’d definitely single out catchphrases. Read this list of über annoying ones and you’ll see what I mean.
“Wassup?”
Drinking makes people do things they normally wouldn’t – things like sleep with someone they just met, drive into trees, and throw ping pong balls into cups. From the year 1999 to 2002, drinking (well, Budweiser) also made people say “Waaassssuuuupppppp?” constantly. It is, by far, the worst out of character thing drinking has ever done to mankind.
“I’m lovin’ it.”
Love, like hate, is a very strong word. Many people have difficulty expressing it – some parents go their whole lives without telling their children that they love them. That being said, the implication that one could “love” McDonald’s, arguably the world’s most mediocre restaurant, is absurd. That, coupled with their usage of improper grammar (“lovin’”? Would it kill you to throw a g in there?), is simply ridiculous.
“I've fallen and I can't get up!”
Wanna know what, other than funny cars, excites late-night hack Jay Leno? Catchphrases like ”I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”. In the early 90’s, a LifeAlert commercial originally created to elicit sympathy for the plight of oldsters went viral before going viral even existed – as a result, everyone and their (non-elderly) mother, Leno included, started using the pathetic line as a joke. If you have a “funny” uncle, he’s used this line in your presence. He is not funny.
“Don't bother me...I'm eating.”
All Carl’s Jr. ads are designed to appeal to the lizard part of the male brain – the part that wants to eat, pork, and scratch one’s crotch like a damn caveman. It would stand to reason, then, that their slogan is as aggressively ignorant as their ad campaigns. The film Idiocracy’s parody of it, “F#$@ you, I’m eating,” actually isn’t that far off.
“It's not delivery. It's DiGiorno.”
Uh, duh – it’s obviously not delivery, which is why it tastes like the cardboard it's presented on. Listen, DiGiorno – I think I know what non-terrible pizza tastes like, thank you very much.
“Just do it.”
In much the same way as I don’t need a faceless corporation telling me what delivery-quality pizza tastes like, I also don’t need a sweatshop-utilizing global conglomerate telling me to “just do it.” Whether or not I decide to “do it” is between me and my conscience, fellas. Step off.
“Yo quiero Taco Bell.”
Back in the day, you couldn’t throw a Chalupa without hitting something with the Taco Bell dog on it – t-shirts, dolls, and bumper stickers featuring his big ol’ head littered the pop culture landscape. Now the dog is gone, but the memory remains...of when Taco Bell dressed a chihuahua up as Che Guevara because they’re super racist.
“Eat fresh.”
Dear Subway: The turd I just laid before writing this article? It’s fresh. It’s still, however, a turd. Which is why I’m not planning on eating it later. The same thing stands for your sandwiches. Please up your game or change your catchphrase. Lovingly, Megan K.
“Eatin' good in the neighborhood.”
You don’t have to be a genius to know that some neighborhoods are better than others. The quality of a neighborhood dictates the quality of the food options available there – the neighborhood of Bel-Air, for example, has a butt-ton of fancy restaurants. The Eight Mile area of Detroit, however, not so much. Every Applebee’s may as well be in Eight Mile – it’s “good” given the context of a totally messed up neighborhood, but terrible anywhere else.
What’s your favorite suicide-inducing commercial catchphrase? Let me know in the comments, or tell me @Bornferal!
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