Marching bands are awesome. I just wish that we could breathe some new life in to the art form by including some new instruments. Unfortunately, new instruments don't grow on trees. Well, I guess technically you can make instruments out of trees, but that isn't the point. There are a lot of really awesome fake instruments from television, movies, and video games that would really improve the marching band experience. Someone tell some scientist to get started on these. Here are Fake Instruments That I Want In My Marching Band.
Holophoner (Futurama)
Good marching bands are known for creating interesting field formations to help the audience picture what the song is about. The holophoner does one better. It is not only a musical instrument, but it is also a holographic projector. Now the audience will finally under stand what the heck Louie, Louie is actually about.
Ocarina Of Time (The Legend of Zelda)
Principal Ganondorf has finally shown his true colors and turned in to the evil Ganon. His first act as Ganon is to make the dress code stricter. You don't want to have to wear ties to school, do you? He must be stopped, but he is too powerful. Use the Ocarina to go back in time and stop him before he even has a chance to become Principal.
Kloo Horn (Star Wars)
Unlike most of the other instruments on this list, the Kloo Horn doesn't really have any special powers. It's just really awesome, and it would give you an excuse to do a Star Wars themed show instead of another songs of the 60's show.
Joshua's Trumpet (Warehouse 13)
This trumpet blasts a disintegration beam that dismantles anything you point it at. There won't be much of a school left after you've disintegrated most of it. Make sure you only use this at Away games. Of course, if you use it at a Home game, then NO MORE SCHOOL! SPRING BREAK FOREVER!!!!!
Pokeflute (Pokemon)
One of the biggest problems with a marching band is that Snorlax is always falling asleep in the middle of the field. It's impossible to make your formations correctly when you have to maneuver around a Snorlax. Now, with a Pokeflute, you can wake him up and get on with your routine.
Elanin Singer Stone (Star Trek)
You'll never have the same show twice with this in your band. It plays a different song for every person that touches it. It might be hard for all of the other instruments to keep up since they won't know the music at all. At least you won't bore the crowd by playing My Heart Will Go On from Titanic for the 10th time in a row.
Exploding Tuba (Harry Potter)
This tuba will give your marching band a finale that no one will ever forget. The only problem is that you might leave a giant hole in the ground. The football teams will just have to play around the hole. The coaches get mad about the band marching on the grass for practice, but I'm sure they'll be cool with this.
Tin Whistle (Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory)
This whistle is used to summon Oompa-Loompas. You'll win every football game when an army of these guys come out and drag the opposing team to their sweet, delicious deaths.
Octopus Bass (The Little Mermaid)
This might be a little cost prohibitive for most bands to buy a scuba suit, a giant fish tank, and two octopuses. On top of that, you'll need about ten people to carry it around the field. It would be worth it though. If you're not going to play Under The Sea from The Little Mermaid right, then I don't see a point in playing it at all.
Pipe (Pied Piper Of Hamelin)
One of the biggest problems in a marching band is keeping everyone in step. You'll never have a problem staying in step again if you've got one of these on the field. Just be careful that you don't accidentally lead everyone in the band off a cliff.
What fake instruments would you want in your marching band? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
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