When you get right down to it, school isn’t about preparing you for adulthood or even teaching you anything you need to know. It’s almost strictly about helping you pass exams, leaving you completely unprepared for the real world when you graduate. Of course, all that could change if schools were to offer the following invaluable courses…
“Defense Against the Dark Arts”
Naturally, when I say “dark arts” I don’t mean talking to snakes or anything that could only result in numerous parent-teacher conferences and visits to the school psychologist or exorcist. I mean an instructive, intensive course study that teaches you how to calmly but effectively deal with such every day evils as people who monopolize your valuable time talking about themselves without ever stopping once to ask how you’ve been or why you’re currently on fire, people who repeatedly put you down because if they stopped insulting you for one second you’d realize what a total fiasco of human being they truly are, and people who call you “money obsessed” when you ask if they will pay you back that $30,000 they borrowed six years ago.
“Learn the Difference Between There, Their, and They’re”
Yes, they already teach you English in school year after year. But aside from learning enough grammar to construct a sentence that doesn’t look like you just picked the first six words you found in Boggle, the most important lesson you can be taught is the one apparently 98% of all graduates forget—the difference between there, their, and they’re. That’s why an entire course should be given so that in the future people stop repeatedly making complete dumb-asses of themselves on resumes, in emails to supervisors, and or even on graduate school applications that can mean the difference between getting into Harvard Business School and being waitlisted at DeVry.
“Office Politics instead of Political History”
They say those who don’t learn history are doomed to repeat it. But those who don’t learn how to spot a coworker pretending to be your friend to gain personal information, spreading horrible rumors to undermine you, or tagging executives’ offices with your name are doomed to spend their entire career answering to the summer intern. Hence the need for an entire semester focused on teaching you how to spot a backstabber, how to get everything in writing, and how to “happen” upon a troublesome coworker late one night in their home hall closet, away from prying eyes or security cameras.
"How to Run Away Real Fast from Any Fight”
True, there's no honor in cowardice. And few people can hold their head up high after screaming at the sight of a fist and fleeing. But here's the thing about fights when you're an adult: they almost always happen at bars with large people too drunk to stop punching. Or they happen on the sidelines of Little League games as your kids watch in horror followed by the local media. And these fights almost always end in prolonged hospital stays, jail time and/or lawsuits. In other words, forget about the climbing ropes and dodge balls and find a gym class that teaches you how to run until you've put a good three zip codes between you and the other guy.
"A Line of Credit Is Not Free Cash"
First-time credit card holders are a lot like Mega Millions lottery winners—they usually declare bankruptcy within the first fifteen minutes, only to wind up living in their parents’ basement regretting the day they ever bought that bottomless hot tub. Which is why most students could use a course that stresses how you must either live within your means completely debt-free or assume as many identities and credit lines as possible before the Feds find you hiding in the top floor of the three-story garage you bought for all your hovercrafts.
“How to Stay in School for as Long as Possible”
In the end perhaps the most important lesson you will ever learn in school is that the real world can be a relentless kick in the groin thanks to minimal job opportunities, the high cost of living, and constant lawn care. That is why we all need a college course that will keep us in school, far away from responsibilities and loan collectors, until we can either transfer into a retirement home or spend all the money we win in Mega Millions within the first 15 minutes.
Which of these classes do you most want to take? Let us know in the comments below!
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