Sometimes, when I'm lost in inFamous or stuck in Portal or trying for like the fiftieth time to understand what people like so much about Grand Theft Auto, I get distressed about video games. But like my mom's mashed potatoes, there are some comfort games that will always make you feel good. Here are some classic games that still hold up.
10. GoldenEye
Have you ever had more fun playing video games than when you had your three best friends in the same room eating pizza and sliding around the Facility with the C left and C right buttons? I'm sure you haven't and don't bring up Halo because I know for sure that that game came out after 9/11 so there was, without question, more sadness in the world.
9. Super Mario RPG
Mario RPG was goddamn epic. A giant sword crashed into Peach's castle from, like, outer space and Mario had to team up with Bowser to save not just the Princess but the world. What's Paper Mario about? Folding origami crafts? What are you, a Japanese calligraphy artist? Get out of here.
8. NES Ducktales
If you held the B button in Disney's Ducktales your cane turned into a pogo stick. It is far and away the video game industry's greatest shame that that did not become the default game mechanism. What Mario 64 did for analog control Disney's Ducktales should have done for holding the B button and pogo jumping.
7. Basically any Sonic the Hedgehog game on Sega Genesis
It's not so much that the old games are that good, but the new ones are so shockingly, world-alteringly bad that the old ones seem great by comparison. It's like when you get a swirly every day from the school bully, until one day when he beats the crap out of you, and then the next day you almost welcome the swirly. I know that sounds like I had a hard time in high school, but listen, it was sort of my fault. I couldn't stop talking about Dungeons and Dragons until I got that interest swirly-ed out of me.
6. Parappa the Rapper
If you want to understand why Parappa the Rapper was so great, just imagine guitar hero except with a funny, endearing lead character instead of a hollow metal tube of scrolling notes. Also, you could play it with a regular controller, not an enormous hunk of plastic destined for the GameStop used accessory bin, which is basically a trash can that never gets emptied.
5. Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers
In this game, boxes were as big as apples and Chip and Dale fought robot dogs and giant racist cats. It's probably the game that caused our generation to be one of the lowest drug-using generations in decades, because when we were offered LSD at a party we were able to say "no thanks man, I've already SEEN some sh*t."
4. Resident Evil 2
This game was so scary. It's the only game in the series where you don't play as some sort of special agent— you were just a rookie cop or some sort of motorcycle girl who were incredibly susceptible to monsters. And the games controls actually worked toy take control away from you—it was terrifying trying to fight zombies when it felt like you were underwater and wearing a thousands scarfs.
3. Super Metroid
This game was before Metroid: Other M turned Samus into a male-dependant crybaby. Back in Super Metroid, she was a kick-ass bounty hunter who doesn't give a sh*t about anything besides missile expansions. Little girls really need to learn not to depend on a man to find their missile expansions.
2. Metal Gear Solid
Let's be honest—the point of Metal Gear games has never been the gameplay. It's about experiencing a tense, gripping spy story. And the Playstation's Metal Gear Solid had the most clear, straightforward story, which cannot be said for its sequels. Honest to God, if I was playing Metal Gear Solid 2 and Harvey Keitel rode in on a half-whale/ half-woman with a rainbow flag and a civil war musket I would've been like "I guess so?"
1. Super Mario 64
Obviously, every Mario game is great, but Mario 64 was wide open. You had to earn stars to progress, but once you got into a level you could just run around and explore! It was like a happy Grand Theft Auto with good controls. Seriously what the f*ck do people like about that game?
What's your favorite old school game? Let me know on twitter @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
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