Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry may be a great learning institution, but only if you’re interested in strictly pursuing an education in magic, working for the Ministry of Magic, or becoming a translator for snakes. Otherwise, Hogwarts is your best possible chance to get a “We regret to inform you” letter from every single college you ever apply to. Here’s why…
Hogwarts Doesn’t Teach Math, English, or Science
You can learn how to turn a desk into a pig. You can learn how to feed and care for an enormous, talking spider. You can even be taught by a ghost. But you will never learn your multiplication tables or even hear what an adverb is, resulting in SAT scores so shockingly low that most college admission boards assume Hogwarts students are either taught by retarded squirrels or the cafeteria simply feeds everyone lead paint chips that flake off the walls for lunch. Add the fact that no one at Hogwarts has any concept of science—since everything is the result of “magic”—and you have an education system that makes most clown colleges look like MIT.
Hogwarts Education Has Largely Been Determined by a Hat
Colleges prefer students who are well-rounded, who sought out as many educational opportunities as possible on their road to self-discovery. What they don’t care for are applicants who were apparently uneducated until the age of ten and then had their academic path and professional future dictated by headgear. They don’t want to hear you were put into the “badger house” because a hat said you were “patient and loyal.” They don’t want to hear that you wish to overthrow humanity because some hat said, “Kill them all.” And they especially don’t want to hear that you heard a hat talk at all, because what colleges really like is to avoid psychotics who are bound to do something that will bring several squad cars and cable news channels to their campus.
Hogwarts Student’s College Essay Sounds Like the Ramblings of a Madman
Yes, maybe you’re best friends with a half-giant. Yes, maybe only you can see winged horses because your parents were killed protecting you from an evil dark lord whose name you refuse to even type in your admission forms. Yes, maybe you traveled around the world destroying a soul piece by piece, including yourself. But what to you sounds like “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” or a list of accomplishments in lieu of student council or French Club will come across to a college as the psychotic babble of someone who can’t seem to go a paragraph without whining about how crappy it was to grow up without a magic wand under the staircase of fat people.
No College Has Ever Awarded a Quidditch Scholarship
With tuition so high, the best hope someone has of getting into a good college is either a scholastic or athletic scholarship. But as we noted before, while a Hogwarts education can help make you a great wizard, in the real world the best it can prepare you for is being a frighteningly committed performer at a Ren Faire, thus ending any hopes of a scoring a scholastic free ride. Which leaves a sport that involves you going into great lengths about flying brooms and golden snitches to a college admissions officer who will be rolling your chair out of his office even as you desperately try to say Quidditch can also be played with a soccer ball, the janitor’s mops, and a catapult to help everyone get airborne.
Hogwarts Students Do Not Know How to Use a Computer or Send a Message without an Owl
There’s not a single laptop at Hogwarts. No one ever mentions the Internet. And everyone’s emails are flown in on parchment by the symbol for Wise potato chips. In short, in the eyes of college deans these are not kids ready to handle the educational rigors of college life. They are a bunch of backwood lunatics who whenever asked to write a term paper will simply wave a twig over a piece of paper, mutter something that sounds like Latin, and then wonder why a 20-page thesis doesn’t magically appear.
Hogwarts Is Invisible
If a college can’t locate your school, has never heard of your school, or even reads the part of your application where it reads “School of Witchcraft and Wizardry” then you are spending your years after Hogwarts getting your B.A. or B.S. from academic institutions who advertise on bus benches or promise you will be head fry guy before you are 50.
Would you be ready for college post-Hogwarts? Let us know in the comments below
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