When one person in a relationship is itching to leave, the other person will often pick up a bad vibe. But only when one or all of the following occur can you be dead certain you’ll soon have to find someone new who is willing to answer to pet name “Schnuggle Muffin.”
Texts Consist of One Word, a Single Emoticon, or a Really Great Message Followed by “Oops, Wrong Person”
They say that the first sign a relationship is ending is a lack of communication. Or they say a lack of communication is the first thing to end a relationship. Either way, if takes the other person several hours to respond to your text of “:* :* :*!” only to say “Thnx” or “Ok” or “I don’t need this right now” or “I don’t get it” then you may be removing a name from your contact list by week’s end.
Hugs Have Been Replaced by Wincing, Handshakes, or Simply Waving from Across the Street
Body language tells you everything a person won’t. If they pat your back while hugging you they’re saying, “We can wrap this up any time now.” If they keep their hands in their pockets while walking by your side they’re saying “I don’t want any physical contact with you.” And if they hurl themselves out a seventh-story window as you approach they’re saying, “You’re a great person. You really are. But I think we’ve started growing apart and it’s probably best if we each start a new path to happiness. Plus, I hope there’s a dumpster below full of mattresses and pillows but if it’s just concrete then death would be okay, too.”
Scheduled Meet-Ups Delayed, Postponed, or Referred to Next Day as “Oh, Right. That Thing.”
When someone is no longer considerate of your time then they no longer consider you a priority. At first they’ll make elaborate excuses as to why they are a few hours late. Then they’ll merely say, “Things happened” to explain why they didn’t call. Then they’ll say, “Because it was the same day as my wedding” to explain why they never met you at the airport. Then they’ll contact you five years from now with a friend request on Facebook saying, “Don’t know why we ever drifted apart. Divorce is finalized. You free for drinks?”
They Change Their Look So Drastically They Need a New Photo ID
If someone radically alters their look it usually means they’re unhappy with their current life. A new hairstyle can mean they want to start attracting other people. A new tattoo can mean they find you boring and want some excitement in their life. A new horn fused to their forehead could mean there’s a problem with their current prescription or they’ve become overly enamored with unicorns or ring tosses. Just realize that the more they don’t look like themselves the more they probably don’t want you to be able to recognize them.
Everything They Once Found Absolutely Adorable about You Now Drives Them Absolutely Nuts
There was a time when they couldn’t get enough of the cute way you sneezed, the funny way you laughed, or the creative way you were able to make everything come back to “Star Wars.” Now your every nose twitch, your every snicker, every word you utter has them screaming, “HUMANS DON’T MAKE THAT NOISE WITH THEIR NOSES, EVERY TIME YOU LAUGH IT SOUNDS LIKE DONKEY IN A WASHING MACHINE, AND MY WANTING TO HANG OUT WITH MY FRIENDS TONIGHT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT TIME THE JAWAS TRIED TO SELL LUKE A FAULTY R5-D4 UNIT!”
Apartment Furnishings Replaced with Several Full Boxes Marked with a Different Address
Some people just aren’t good at conflict and so they try to make their feelings known with cardboard, Styrofoam peanuts, several rolls of packing tape, and a Magic Marker so they can scrawl on each box “Canada today or another Godawful dinner date with Josh tomorrow.”
What other celebrity songbirds suck a big fat one? Let me know in the comments!
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