The mall is society’s great equalizer. Everyone – from rich to poor, cool to lame – is welcome there. Which, of course, explains why everyone and their mother is constantly there. (Well, that and Orange Juliuses. People also come for the Orange Juliuses.) Some people, however, seem to only exist in the mall – as you never see them in the harsh light of day, it’s safe to assume that they sleep in the demo beds at Macy’s every night. These are those people.
The Cell Phone Kiosk Guy
The cell phone kiosk guy lives alone (if you can call that living). 20% of his paycheck goes toward keeping his hair slicked back and his mouth full of chewing gum. He’s young, yet he still inexplicably wears pleated khakis like a damn 70-year-old. He usually has a goatee. If he approaches you on your way to Suncoast, for the love of God, JUST KEEP WALKING. TRUST ME, YOU’RE SATISFIED WITH YOUR CELL CARRIER.
The Incorrigibly Sad Hot Dog on a Stick Girl
No mall’s complete without at least one sad looking Hot Dog on a Stick girl staring off into space, wishing she didn’t have to wear sweatshorts (as in, short sweatpants) for a living. In the “Seven People You’ll Only Encounter at the Mall” board game, players get bonus points if they catch her in the process of joylessly making the lemonade.
A Dude Wearing a Slipknot Shirt
Any mall worth its salt has a Hot Topic. People who like the band Slipknot also like Hot Topic. They also like Orange Julius (although, in fairness, who doesn’t like Orange Julius?). Thus, Slipknot fans + malls = SYNERGY, baby.
People Actually Willing to Exchange Gold for Cash
Y’know those “Cash for Gold” commercials you see at two in the morning on network TV? Y’know how, every time you see one, you ask yourself, “Who the hell believes this crap?” The answer to your question is, “people that patronize malls.” Not only are mall shoppers willing to exchange their “gold scraps” for a laughably nominal amount of money, they’re also willing to exchange their money for what will, in the future, become more gold scraps (which explains why there’s so many jewelry stores in the mall).
Douchebags Still Wearing Wrap-Around Sunglasses
A small but vocal consortium of mall-dwelling bros must still think it’s the late 90’s – that’s the only explanation I can come up with for why they insist on wearing JNCO-esque jeans, backwards baseball caps, and wrap-around shades indoors. We need to get these guys out of the mall and into the world ASAP...otherwise they may never know the joys of non-douchebaggery...
The Food Court Sample Guy
You’re walking to the Mongolian barbecue place in the food court because, well, duh. On the way, an overly excited dude gets up in your face and shoves a toothpick full of meat at you. The meat in question appears to be syrup-coated chicken fragments. The sample sucks. You take two more anyway. You repeat the process tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day.
Santa Claus
Seriously – have you ever seen Santa Claus anywhere BUT the mall? THINK ABOUT IT, PEOPLE.
What other darkness lurks exclusively in the hearts of malls? Let me know in the comments!
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