Your lunch break is supposed to be the one time in the day when you can relax, be happy, and enjoy someting that tastes good. Too many schools are getting all fancy with their lunches. Schools are trying to load kids down with "healthy" options. You can take your salad and shove it up your @$$. If I want to eat a plate of delicious garbage, then that is my right as an American. Here are the best lunchroom foods.
Rectangle Pizza
Is this pizza or the creation of some culinary mad scientist? Yeah. It's probably not really pizza, but it feels really delightful in my mouth. If this was available to eat in my adult life, I would eat it every day for every meal. PROTIP: Roll this thing up to make a delicious pizza burrito.
Chocolate Peanutbutter Brick Things
It has the consistency of playdough, but a lot of times you don't really get a lot of options in the dessert department. These things actually taste great even though the look the same going in and coming out. Plus I think it might have oatmeal in it so... it's good for you?
Candy
A true lunchroom hustla never eats boring old food. Nutritional value is for suckers. If you're lucky enough to have a vending machine at your school, you can just load yourself down there. If not, it's going to take some skillful bargaining to make sure you don't have to eat anything healthy.
Milk Cartons
The sweat on the outside of the carton. That ripping sound when you open it. The taste of the delicious nectar washing away the disgusting salisbury steak that you just had to eat. It's so satisfying. Just be careful if you get the Skim becuase you might wind up with a big milk ice cube.
Lunchables
Your mom loves you enough to pack you a lunch, but not enough to actually make you something. Doesn't matter. Lunchables are the best. It's like you're getting to eat white trash tapas. The best thing is that it comes with a Capri Sun. I'm a Surfer Cooler man, but I'll drink any of the cooler flavors. Just keep that Strawberry Kiwi stuff out of my face.
Gummy Snacks
It doesn't matter what kind of gummy snacks you get. They're all wonderful in their own way. Plain fruit snacks come in all kinds of fun character shapes. Gushers have that tasty blast of goo in the middle. The best though is Fruit By The Foot. That is mostly because at Halloween, you can pull a few kids together and make a Fruit By The Foot mummy to scare your teacher.
Chicken Sandwich
This isn't so much a chicken sandwich as it is a condiment delivery system to your mouth. It doesn't really taste like much which is why it's the perfect item to load down with tons of ketchup, ranch, or BBQ sauce. If you eat enough ketchup then it counts as eating a tomato.
Cup Of Ice Cream
This is the ultimate in lunch room dining. The splinters you get are totally worth every moment of joy as you slowly lick the delicious off of the little peice of wood that it comes with. Just don't let those splinters get infected or you might lose your tongue and you won't be able to tell everyone how delicious that ice cream was.
What's your favorite lunchroom food? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
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