Nobody loves cereal more than villains. Mostly because the sweet, sugary rush that cereal provides, along with essential vitamins and minerals, gives them the energy they need to take over the world, kidnap the president’s daughter, or tuck their genitals between their legs and dance to slow rock while their victim shrieks in a pit in the basement. So what movie villains would make the best cereal mascots?
Bane
Bane knows that the most important ingredient in cereal is hope. That without hope, cereal is just empty calories. But with hope, cereal has the potential to truly bring anyone who eats it to his knees. Also, if you send in five box tops from any Bane mascot cereal you get kidnapped in the dead of night, blindfolded, and airlifted to an underground prison.
Judas Iscariot
Second only to Count Chocula, and the skinniest baker Cinnamon Toast Crunch baker for sexiest cereal mascot. This guy’s got such piercing baby blues I would lick milk and chunks of Golden Grahams off of his fingers if I could.
The Little Girl Ghost From The Grudge
The surgeon general recently came out with a new standard for a balanced breakfast which states, “A balanced breakfast requires a serving of protein, twice the amount of carbohydrates, 2 servings of fruit, and a serving of so much anger over how you were killed that your spirit refuses to leave this world for the next.”
Colonel Kurtz
Tell me this wouldn’t be pretty much the best cereal slogan of all time: “I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That's my dream; that's my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor... and surviving. Now with rainbow swirls.”
Sauron
One cereal to rule them all. One cereal to find them. One cereal to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them.
The CIA (As Played By The Cast Of The Bourne Identity)
With the CIA standing behind Cocoa Puffs you can be assured that every box you buy brings the CIA one step closer to eliminating Jason Bourne.
How do you plan on killing Jason Bourne? Let us know in the comments!
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