For some celebrities, the fact that they can buy whatever they want and bone whomever they want isn’t enough – no matter what, they always want more. Which is why a butt-ton of celebrities also become “musicians” – it’s another reason for their loving public to throw praise, adulation and panties their way. Not all star warblers are created equal, though. Most are mediocre at best, but some are just plain nasty.
Scarlett Johansson
ScarJo released "Anywhere I Lay My Head," a godawful album of tunelessly delivered Tom Waits cover songs, in 2008. It debuted at #126 on the Billboard charts, selling a measly 5,100 copies in its first week. The album’s single, “Falling Down,” came complete with its own self-indulgent music video about how difficult it is to be famous and pretty. To which I say, “shut up.”
Farrah Abraham
Farrah, one of the morally deficient teen moms from MTV's aptly named "Teen Mom," recorded what could be, devoid of hyperbole, one of the worst songs of all time. The lyrics to "Finally Getting Up From Rock Bottom" literally make no sense – I get the impression that she basically breathed auto-tune and released the results on the internet. Some of the only words I can discern are "dude" and "yeah." This, combined with her complete and utter lack of ability to parent, should get her kid taken away from her by the state.
Kim Kardashian
The stiffness with which Kim sings the line "they playin' my jam" in her club banger "Jam" (Turn it Up)” can only be described as grandmotherly. Kimmy’s performance is incredibly uncomfortable – she sounds like a teenage girl caterwauling in an amusement park karaoke booth. The Hype Williams-directed video that goes along with it is just a compilation of clips of her posterior writhing around, which serves as a lovely reminder that the only reason why she's famous is because she once had sex with Brandy's brother.
Spencer Pratt
Of COURSE Spencer Pratt is a celebrity – he wrote a song called “I’m a Celebrity,” after all! Why would he lie? The music video for “I'm a Celebrity” is a gem and a half, and confirms that Pratt and his ice queen wife (Heidi Montag of MTV’s "The Hills" fame) are, IN FACT, celebrities. They sit around in what I can only assume is a "nice" car, wear pith helmets and boa constrictors, and poorly rap at lizards (no, really). When Spencer Pratt brags about how much "swag" his tweets have, I DO NOT BELIEVE HIM.
Joey Lawrence
”Whoa!” Right? Remember how Joey Lawrence used to say “Whoa!” a lot in the early 90’s? Pretty funny, right? Wanna experience something even funnier than “Whoa”? Take a listen to “Nothing My Love Can't Fix,” and watch the bowel-clenchingly atrocious video that goes along with it. Watch him violently get "freaked on" by a girl wearing overalls. Watch him watch you by displaying WAY too much eye contact. WHOA.
Kobe Bryant
The b-ball player’s ”K.O.B.E.” is basically a whole mess of gibberish, delivered in a super-stock rap 101 voice. The lyrics primarily focus on how hard it is to find a "honey that's legit," and Tyra Banks does an admirable job of proclaiming her love for Kobe in the chorus ("K-O-B-E I L-O-V-E you."). In light of his legal problems (read: rape accusation), though, perhaps lines like "girl, I'm preying on you" are in poor taste.
Jim Belushi & Dan Aykroyd
Washed-up comedians Belushi and Aykroyd’s “All She Wants To Do Is Rock” comes from the totally real pseudo-blues album "Have Love Will Travel," which can currently be purchased for $3.99 at Amazon.com and was released in 2003 (not 1986). I'm sure it goes without saying, but for the uninitiated, JOHN, not JIM, Belushi is the talented one. And as for Aykroyd, he should stick to what he does best – shilling Crystal Skull vodka.
What other celebrity songbirds suck a big fat one? Let me know in the comments!
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