I don't know about you, but I had some terrible Halloween neighbors growing up. A lot of the time, my pillow case would be over half full of stuff that was either inedible or not even food. That could really ruin a night. Why do people got to be like that? Here are Halloween treats that deserve a trick.
Easter Candy
There is no excuse for giving out Easter candy on Halloween. It is a little spookier than regular candy because you never know what could be growing on it after sitting on store shelves for the past 7 months. I don't care how awesome it is to bite the head off of a rabbit while you're dressed like a monster. No thanks.
Miniature Candy Bars
I know that it isn't economically viable for every house to give out full size candy bars. But at least give out fun size candy bars. The Miniature Candy Bar is just a tease. It doesn't even have the right proportions of stuff. If you throw like five in your mouth, they don't taste anything like the candy that they claim to be a miniature version of.
Coupons
You may think that coupons are the worst treat you could receive on Halloween, but last year this lady gave out old Big Mac boxes and the year before just tried to give every cat turds. Maybe it's time to just avoid this house all together. They might have dementia.
Toothbrush
Congratulations! You live near a Dentist. I think it's foolish for a Dentist to give out toothbrushes. He should be giving out multiple full size candy bars so all of the neighborhood kids will get rotten teeth.. The return on that investment is nearly immeasurable. I really should probably be a financial advisor or something.
Christmas Candy
The only thing worse than Easter Candy is Christmas Candy. At least, Easter has the whole zombie thing so it's kind of appropriate. Plus, with Easter candy, there's a good chance that it is from this past Easter. With Christmas candy, there is no telling how old it is. Maybe you'll get lucky and get a really old one that you can take on Antiques Roadshow and sell for a forklift full of money.
Toys
What are kids today going to do with a little green army man or bouncy ball. They have better army men and bouncy ball apps on their iPhone in their pocket.
Fruits/Vegetables
Luckily, with parents' ridiculous unfounded fears that fruits and veggies may be poisoned or have razor blades inside, people rarely give these out anymore. Some crazy people are still holding on to this tradition. I seriously got some celery one year in my bag. I forgot to take it out before I got home so my mom saw it in the pile when I plopped it all on the living room floor. She wanted me to eat it so I just told my mom that it was given to me by a hippie who looked like he was high. It went right in the trash. To be fair, that old lady probably was super high on pills.
Chick Tracts
Halloween is about going out and getting in to silly mischeif with your friends. It is one of the biggest secular holidays next to New Year's Eve. Unfortunately, some people don't know how to have fun and want to try to guilt you in to not having fun. Fortunately, these things are hilarious and make great rabbit beds. If you're giving out Chick Tracts, you're not doing Halloween right.
After Dinner Mints
This person has been ruining the economy by stealing pocket fulls of mints from their supposedly favorite local restaurant for months. That makes them a criminal and if they get caught then you could also find yourself in trouble if the police find any of them in your bag. Seriously, I had an friend who's Uncle was a cop and he told us so that's probably the law.
Vampire Teeth
Sure there are probably good quality ones, but those definitely aren't being given out for free. Cheap vampire teeth are the worst. They feel like wearing an ill fitting retainer that constantly cuts your gums, and they make you talk like Sling Blade. I don't think I've ever had a pair of these in my mouth for more than thirty seconds at a time. The worst thing about them is that they make it naerly impossible to eat any candy while you have them in. Why would you ever want to put anything between you and the candy? It's foolish.
What's the worst thing you've ever gotten as a Halloween treat? Let me know on twitter @zachlunch or in the comments below!
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