In Kindergarden, we're all told the biggest lie we'll ever hear: "You can be anything you want to be when you grow up." That's incorrect on a number of levels. First, if I don't have awesome genetics I can't be a basketball player or supermodel or basketball-playing supermodel. Second, what I WANT to be isn't what I SHOULD be. Oftentimes, the careers we would pick for ourselves are so mind-blowingly stupid that we ultimately don't WANT them. Here are some of the clearest examples of dumb careers we wanted when we were kids.
Video Game Tester
Being a video game tester is a nightmare of a job. You work long, long, LONG hours testing the WORST games, replaying the same sections over and over again until every bug has been recorded. It's like Dante's fifth circle of Hell, except that he couldn't have enven DREAMED of something as wretched as Cabela's Dangerous Hunts 2013.
Fireman
I get it, firemen are big and tough. They're real American heroes, saving kitties and babies and other cute things from horrific fires. But here's the thing — fire departments really only need one guy to drive the truck and one guy to man the hose. Every other firefighter is just given mindless busywork, like messing around with ladders or chopping down walls in an ALREADY BURNING BUILDING. Yeah, REAL useful. The fire was already handling that, dumb dumb.
Also you need at least 20/30 vision to be a firefighter and if you don't have that they tell you you're disqualified even if it's your DREAM to be a fire fighter. Then you get really bitter and don't have any career options besides writing angry and inaccurate blog posts about firefighters for Smosh.
Doctor
With the number of malpractice suits occuring in the health care community, the only way to be a successful doctor these days is to get a medical degree AND a law degree. If you really want to be a healer, just play as a medic in Team Fortress 2. You don't even need ONE degree for that.
Pro Wrestler
Even though pro wrestling is fake, you still get slammed on a hard mat 80 times a night. Then you travel around the country, driving for hours and hours, in the hopes of getting a match in front of a crowd who MIGHT react to you. And the only end goal is winning a world championship that David Arquette once won. So that title is REALLY prestigeous. It's like winning 6 million dollars in the lottery after some nobody has spent 5,999,996 dollars of it.
Ninja Turtle
Sure, it would be great to eat pizza and learn karate all day, but you don't realize the hardships invoved with learning to work as a team with your fellow turtles and fighting the Foot Clan day-in and day-out. Also this job is fictional and if you take it you will have no income and die on the street.
Rock Star
Did you know that, in order to write lyrics with enough pathos to make it to the top of the charts, you have to get addicted to drugs, booze, and p*ssy? Yucky! For me it's Jesus, ice water, and Real Dolls™, yessir!
Which career that you used to want do you now want least? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!
Check out 10 Ways To Make Sure You DON'T Get That Summer Job!
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