Smartphones have changed how we all conduct our personal and professional lives. But there is one career—superhero—that would be greatly altered by having every technology possible conveniently located in the pocket next to the car keys, wallet, and folded boomerang.
No Longer Have to Work in Journalism
Thanks to “breaking news” emails, constant Twitter updates, and Instagram photos with comments like “This is me being attacked by the Molemen,” superheroes can skip pretending to be journalists and just lie on their couch in their pajamas, scrolling through texts, and thinking, “Nah, not newsworthy enough.”
Can Easily Promote Rescues, Even with Duckfaces
At one time superheroes could only lay claim to a good deed by leaving a spider web, a business card that has a bat logo on one side (and accidentally your position as CEO of Wayne Industries on the other), or a message scrawled on the pavement that reads “Me! I did this! The Green Arrow! Not Hawkeye!” But with a smartphone you can quickly take a picture of yourself next to your rescue/captured bank robber/arrow-riddled corpse and immediately share it for all the world and less active superheroes to see.
Bring Along Your Own Theme Song
It used to be a superhero had to wait until someone made a cartoon, TV show, or movie about them to get their own theme song. But now any caped crusader/masked avenger/guy with bed sheet cape and old T-shirt that reads “The Penniless Punisher” can bring along their own musical score thanks to their smartphone’s ringtone. Sure, it may not sound as menacing/inspiring as a full orchestra. And yes, there’s a good chance your theme song will go on just as you’re sneaking up on a criminal because you forgot the importance of the “silence” option. But just think how proud a hero would be when he gets the bad guy and then demands that bad guy call him so he can hear his theme.
No Need for a Utility Belt
It used to be superheroes would have to carry every possible weapon/tool/cloth to mop up blood around their waist, making them look like plumbers who just happen to wear a lot of spandex and a cowl. But thanks to smartphones the hero can easily access any app they need the moment a situation calls for it, especially if that moment calls for you to quickly identify a song being played in the background of a shoot-out. And while an app may not help you climb the side of a building, spray knock-out gas on an archvillain, or capture anyone, it can give you countless suggestions for where to go eat afterwards for your victory meal.
Can Cut Sidekick from Budget
Read enough comic books and it soon becomes apparent that the only reason a superhero even has a sidekick is to have some company on a stake-out or someone to talk to when you’re both being slowly lowered into a vat of acid batter. But now all that can be accomplished with your Siri on iPhone. So no more having to interview troubled teenagers for the job, pay for the dry cleaning of two knife-ripped costumes, or come up with a second hero name like “And Friend.” Just tell Siri “I think we’re going to die” and immediately hear back “I’m sorry, Batman. I could not understand that.”
Will Make an Alter-Ego Impossible
All it takes is a cell phone carrier to realize that Batman and Bruce Wayne were at the exact same spot at the CVS Pharmacy getting Metamucil for blocked bowels to end an illustrious double life.
How many slaves made your smart phone? Let us know in the comments below!
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