It's December again, which means every musician with zero integrity is cashing in on the spirit of the holiday and releasing a Christmas album. For example, here's the one your creepy uncle made:
He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake.
The world really doesn't need another Bieber Christmas. But that doesn't mean the Christmas album should die off completely. Instead, here are the musical artists we most want to see doing one:
PSY
As silly as PSY is, I took him seriously. "Gangnam Style" is a fun, crazy sendup of consumerist values, and I applauded the guy for using his 15 minutes of fame to actually say something important. But then this happened:
Yep, he exchanged playful commentary on sexism for Santa ("Hey sexy lady" = "Hey Santa baby") and mockery of the upper class for celebration of the holiday they turned into a soulless cash machine ("Oppan Gangnam style" = "Oppan Christmas style"), and all for money. Am I reading too much into this? Probably. But the one thing I know for sure is I would LOVE to see PSY try to reconcile the message of the song that made him famous with making a money-printing Christmas album. PSY! CONSIDER YOURSELF CHALLENGED!
Skrillex
Yes, that is a picture of Skrillex dressed as Santa. Why? Do not question the almighty Skrillex. Skrillex is the absolute, the everything. Your puny mind cannot understand the Skrillex.
But in all seriousness: a Skrillex Christmas album would be awesome. Christmas music usually puts me to sleep, and I think it's about time it starts giving me seizures. Skrillex, if you're reading, here are some songs you should do: "Winter WUBWUBland," "WUB You This BWOAAAOOWWW Christmas," and "Grandma Got Run Over By A WUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUBWUB."
Swans
Swans are great and terrifying and your parents don't want you to listen to them. In the words of their frontman (pictured), they sound like "trudging up a sand hill wearing a hair shirt, being sprayed with battery acid, with a midget taunting you." Their albums include Kill the Child and Public Castration Is A Good Idea. This makes them PERFECT candidates to make a Christmas album. Christmas music is boring, repetitive, and empty. Who wouldn't want to see that hollow-faced guy up there sing about roasting chestnuts (and/or children)? He'd certainly spice things up!
Miley Cyrus
Hear me out! Record labels often force artists to make Christmas albums so they can squeeze more money out of them. This is something Hannah Montana-era Miley would have had zero problem with. But now Miley's trying to be a bad girl. (She even got a haircut!) If Miley Cyrus made a Christmas album this year, it would probably include lots of hilarious attempts to sound badass while singing about the least badass thing there is. Sample hit: "Xmas Trees (And By Trees, I Mean Marijuana Plants, Which I Have Totally Smoked Before)."
Chris Brown
Chris Brown has spent the last three years not apologizing for beating the hell out of his girlfriend, demanding we forgive him anyway, and generally being the worst excuse for a human being ever. For some reason he still has lots of fans who are totally okay with it. This is why I want Chris Brown to make a Christmas album, and I want it to be called "Beloved Holiday Classics From Chris Brown, You Know, The Guy Who Almost Killed Rihanna." It should include songs called "White Christmas Except For The Blood Of My Victims", "Jingle Those Bells One More Time And See What Happens", and "Deck The Halls (If By Halls You Mean Women)." If he has to go with those titles, it MIGHT not even sell a million copies!
The White Stripes
I really just want the White Stripes to record an album. Please come back. We miss you.
Do you have any better ideas? Let us know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment