Why You Shouldn't Touch My Stuff

Megan K

Listen – I’ve had it up to here with you always trying to touch my stuff. What am I gonna have to do to get you to stop putting your grubby mitts all over my stuff? Write a damn essay? Is that what I’m gonna have to do, Trevor? FINE. I’ll do it.

 

It’s Covered in My Musk

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Reason number one? Because it's covered in my musk. And by "musk," I mean Jovan White Musk. It smells like a poor, elderly woman. Trust me; you don't want to get a whiff of it.

 

It’s Mine

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Reason number two? Because it's my stuff, Trevor. Mine. Do you understand the word "mine"?

 

You’re Too Stupid to Get It

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Reason number three? Because you probably wouldn't even know how to use it, you're so stupid. This is some sophisticated stuff right here.

 

You’re Gonna Get Chocolate All Over It

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Reason number four? Because the last time you touched my stuff, you got chocolate sauce all over it. Don't shake your head at me. Look at your hands, Trevor – they're covered in chocolate sauce RIGHT NOW. Chocolate sauce and...gravel? Is that gravel? What the hell have you been eating?

 

It’s Not My Stuff

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Reason number five? It's actually, um, not my stuff. It's my big brother's. And he'd totally kill me if he knew I was acting like it's my stuff, so please please please don't tell him. Please! Listen...fine. I'll let you touch one of his things. But lightly. I said lightly, Trevor!

 

I Have to Go to Work

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Reason number six? 'Cause if you touch my stuff, I'm gonna have to let Jeff touch my stuff, and if Jeff touches my stuff, Dave's gonna wanna touch my stuff, and it's just gonna become this whole thing. I don't have time to let everyone touch my stuff, Trevor. I've gotta go to work – this Arby's isn't gonna manage itself.

 

My Grandma Gave It to Me

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Reason number seven? Because this pile of filthy rags, a.k.a. my stuff, is the last thing my grandma gave me before she passed on. My stuff is very special to me...OK, Trevor? For the last time, you can't wipe your chocolate fingers off on my grandma's heirloom pile of rags! Get away from those!

 

You’re Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

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And finally? Because if you keep pokin' around my stuff, you'll be cruisin’ for a bruisin’, buddy. THAT'S why.

 

What would you do to defend your precious, precious stuff? Let me know in the comments!

 

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