They’re on top of the world for weeks, months, even years. Then suddenly things start to change and celebrities realize they are on the downward spiral to a shortened IMDB credit list once they see the following warning signs their fans have all but forgotten them…
Fans relieved when you’re thrown in jail
Once they came to a celebrity’s defense whenever he or she was accused of bad behavior, tainted with bad publicity, or proved exceptionally bad at reading cue cards on “SNL.” Now like parents who are overjoyed for the peace and quiet whenever their kids go to sleep-away camp for the summer, fans are just thrilled that the celebrity’s 30 days in jail gives them time off from having to defend their latest Lifetime TV movie, co-starring role with a porn star, or winding up in jail the previous month.
Fans’ hashtags all a variation of #meh
There was a time when every announcement by or about the celebrity was greeted with fans’ rapturous tweets and hashtags that ended with “4ever,” “love,” or “yesyesyes.” Now they’ve been replaced with #yawn, #thisagain, and #whoarewetalkingabout, often accompanied with the bored, dead-eyed stare of Grumpy Cat. Worse, many fans have abandoned the celebrity’s real Twitter account for an obviously fake one, realizing if they have to keep putting up with bullshit, it might as well be funny.
Threads in fan forum about everything but celebrity
”Guess what I ate today?” “Here are six videos of my cat.” “Sometimes when I’m asleep I dream I’m awake so when I’m awake I wonder if I’m really asleep until I get hit by a bicycle.” On and on and on the off-topic comments go until the celebrity finds that the very first mention of them on their own fan forum doesn’t happen until page 27, and only in a unanimously agreed suggestion that the group change the forum’s name to better reflect its now true focus--“My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.”
Fans unaware that celebrity’s new movie opened weeks ago
First fans camped out all week for the celebrity’s movie. Then they bought tickets two days in advance of the movie. Then they showed up noon the day of the premiere because at midnight they were in the middle of a “RuPauls’ Drag Race” marathon on Netflix. Then they saw a poster for the movie on the side of the bus but figured they might as well wait until it premiered on VOD or iTunes. Then they said, “I can’t be expected to see every movie that comes out! Especially there are such upcoming classics as ‘Scary Movie 5’ and the current ‘Scary Movie 5’ with Marlon Wayans.”
Celebrity’s tearful confession met with chants of “Cry! Cry! Cry!”
The misty-eyed apology or sobbing revelation about some dark secret used to be a celebrity’s greatest weapon to win back the sympathy of the public and connect with their most ardent admirers. But when such emotional outpourings are met with “What else you got?” “Call me when you lose a limb” or “Please don’t bother me while I’m breathing,” the celebrity realizes the only thing they accomplished was ruining both their mascara and their 9:57 am spot on “Live with Kelly and Michael.”
Celebrity’s premature obituary online greeted with shock that celebrity hadn’t passed away months ago
When everybody already assumes they are long dead, a celebrity has nowhere to go but up—in another profession, like supermarket bagger or self-impersonator.
What do you plan to throw at Adam Sandler when you see him? Let us know in the comments below!
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