Conversation. It’s what brings people together. It’s also what causes you to tear out your hair or heart should be stuck in a really bad one. So to help you save both your day and your life, here are six easy-to-remember statements that can ensure your escape from a boring talker, a rambling friend, or even a teacher during a particular heinous lecture.
“I should let you go.”
Approach: “Insincere Sincerity.” Usually used over the phone, this allows you to seem considerate of the other person’s time when in fact you’re just counting down the seconds to either the call ends or that person winds up hearing 42 straight minutes of you smashing the receiver over your skull while sobbing.
Alternative: “I’ve taken your family hostage and don’t want you to waste any more valuable time that you could be using to meet my demands instead.”
“What time is it?”
Approach: “Ejector Seat.” By simply asking for the time not only do you break the flow of whatever in God’s name they were babbling about, but you get to follow it up with “Sh*t! I’m late! Gotta go!” “Sh*t! My mom/dad/significant other/impatient pet is going to kill me!” or “”Sh*t! The time bomb! Run!” Of course, it helps if you actually do run off, rather than wander into a nearby store or just lie on a bench.
Alternative: “Where’s the emergency room/my baby/the antidote?”
“What on earth are you talking about?!”
Approach: “Bluntly Inquisitive.” Best blurted out right in the middle of the other person’s sentence—often while tossing your hands up in the air and looking wild-eyed—this shows you are in no mood for idle chit-chat. Then every time they try to restart the conversation repeat, “No, seriously, what on earth are you talking about?” Keep saying this, louder and louder, until they either get the point or start to fear you must have failed every single reading comprehension quiz as a child.
Alternative: “This reminds me of the time I ended up having a conversation with a sofa cushion because I was suffering from a high fever. But at least the sofa cushion knew how to tell a freakin’ joke.”
“Sigh…”
Approach: “Leading the Witness.” You can’t just come right out and tell someone they’re boring you because that would be rude. But you can make a variety of sounds ranging from a sigh to a yawn to talking in your sleep that will cause the talker to stop and ask, “I’m sorry. Am I boring you?” At which point you can say, “Oh my god yes! Thank you for noticing! You know, you get me. You really get me.”
Alternative: “Oh for ****sake I wish one of us was a corpse so we could end this.”
“STOP IT! JUST STOP IT! STOP IT STOP IT STOP IT!!!”
Approach: “Nuke Option.” You tried tact. Your tried making choking noises in the hopes that the other person would stop talking and save you, not yet realizing just how committed they were to their story of their kitten Mittens and the squeaky toy that just wouldn’t stop squeaking. So what’s left other than to suddenly point at the other person, open your mouth so wide that your lower jaw unhinges, and scream while slowly backing away, occasionally pointing at nearby strangers to let them know they better not say a damn word, either.
Alternative: Blindly throwing punches while foaming at the mouth and cursing.
Maniacal laughter
Approach: “Simple Insanity.” Sometimes you just can’t take it anymore. You try to find a point to their endless ramblings. You desperately try to find a way out of the conversation that doesn’t involve you suddenly lunging in for a bite. And then you crack. First it’s a high-pitched giggle. Then some deep chuckles. Until finally you’re bursting into hysterics, yelling, “You’re killing me! You are literally killing me!” between resounding guffaws as the other person wonders what was so damn funny about their story about their bowel obstruction.
Alternative: Convulsive sobbing.
How do you get out of annoying conversations? Let us know in the comments!
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