Listen – just because you vacuum your carpets once every four months doesn’t mean your house is clean. No sirree. Actually, your living quarters are positively crawling with crud – and the filthiest parts are the ones you least expect. You don’t even know how disgusting you are, you schmuck.
Your Microwave
Unless you suffer from OCD (y’know, the mental disorder that makes folks scrub floors until they can see their own harried reflections in the linoleum), the likelihood of the inside of your microwave being caked in decades worth of frozen burrito splatter is 99.99%. Because if you’re eating crap like frozen burritos in the first place, you probably don’t care about anything, let alone the cleanliness of your microwave.
Your Shower
While your microwave is caked in burrito goo, your filthy-ass shower is coated in years worth of Axe body wash residue. Now, the ladies love the Axe...that’s why you score so much huggin’ and kissin’. But y’know what the ladies don’t love? Bathing in their own filth. Get some Scrubbing Bubbles up in there ASAP, pardner, if you ever plan on bringing a babe into your fetid man cave.
Your Bedsheets
Seriously. When's the last time you washed 'em? BE REAL WITH ME, BRO. Look me in the eye. Look me in the eye! Exactly. You can’t. Do you know how many dead skin cells you’ve been rolling around in for the past six months? It’s like sleeping in a damn ball pit, albeit with much smaller balls!
Your Fan
Stop reading this and take a look at the top of your ceiling fan. Better yet, don’t. ‘Cause I don’t want to be held liable for what happens when you do. Realizing that an inch-thick patina of dust pours over you like a snowstorm of filth every time you flip a switch is enough to trigger a complete and utter mental breakdown.
Your Toothbrush
Pssh. Dentists say you should replace your toothbrush every three months – there’s no way in hell you do that, though. You’re lucky if you replace it once every three years. Do you have any idea how filthy your mouth is? Your filthy, dirty little mouth...
Your Pets’ Areas
As we all know, animals are filthy, despicable creatures with no dignity or respect for cleanliness. That being said, anywhere your pets eat and/or defecate is a minefield of trash and sickness. Your Teacup Yorkie “Ms. Diva” might look cute, but there’s nothin’ cute about toxocariasis (the disease you can contract from her dookie).
Your Keyboard
You type on it (after touching God knows what), you sneeze particles of mucus onto it, you (depending on what you're looking at online) get, uh, other stuff on it. It’s blanketed in Cheeto dust. If you were to pick it up and shake it, a living creature might fall out.
Your Sponge
Kitchen sponges are totally disgusting – teeming with germs, they can hold up to 250,000 bacteria per one square inch. You might say they’re really good at sponging...up microbes! (I’m sorry; I’ll show myself out.)
Really, though...how the hell do you live with yourself? Let me know in the comments!
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