The Top 8 Meats of 2012!

Mikey McCollor

The only thing I did throughout 2012 was eat meat. NO I didn't see no Batman movie. NO I didn't vote fer president. NO I didn't eat no stupid vegetables or drink no baby CHOCOLATE MILK. I just sat in my cabin, ALL ALONE, eatin' nothin' but MEAT. And it was the BEST DAMN YEAR OF MY LIFE. I'm gonna rank my meat for y'all, but not because I like ya. In fact, I HATE YA. But even a man as BIG AND TOUGH AS ME needs to write things down so he can REMEMBER 'EM.

Anyhow, here's the best damn meat of 2012.

 

8. Hot dogs

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Eating hot dogs reminds me of going to baseball games with my dad, where we would bring our own animals and mash them into hotdogs, roasting them in the fire we started in a garbage can in the stadium's parking lot. THERE AIN'T NO REASON FER US TO HAVE GONE TO A BASEBALL GAME IF WE WAS JUST GONNA MAKE HOTDOGS OUT IN THE PARKING LOT. My dad was a damn fool.

 

7. Lamb

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Lamb is difficult to prepare, if only because it tastes so much better if you DON'T COOK THE LAMB. YOU GOTTA LOOK INTO THAT LAMB'S INNOCENT EYES AS YOU EAT THAT LAMB ALIVE.

 

6. Steak

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STEAK tastes GREAT!

 

5. Beef

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So does BEEF!

What's that you say? Beef's the same as steak? BOY you contradict me again and I will RIP YOUR TEETH OUT, PUT 'EM IN MY FREEZER, and use em like BABY ICE CUBES.

 

4. Deli ham

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Sometimes you only got time fer a SANDWICH.

 

3. Pork

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I'll tell you one thing and one thing only about pork — it's goddamn DELICIOUS. It tastes like you're biting into a cloud. A cloud made out of a PIG. I do hope I just accidentally described heaven.

 

2. THE INNARDS

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An animals' innards are nothin' but a candy necklace fer ADULTS.

 

1. Those college kids trespassin' on my property last winter

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If I don't show those university cowards that there's CONSEQUENCES to walkin' on my property, soon I'll have all goddamn ALPHA KAPPA PI runnin' round my yard!

Which, now that I've given it some THOUGHT, I would WELCOME. Roll yourselves in garlic and COME ON DOWN TO THE FEAST, FELLAS.

 

What was yer damn favorite meat of 2012? Let me know on Twitter at @mikeyfromsu or in the comments below!

 

Check out how to go grocery shopping like a DAMN GROWNUP.