Every so often a movie comes along that makes you sit up, take notice, and exclaim, “Hey, what’s up with the guy in the background? Because the rest of this film is boring me to tears.” This is the story of those background characters if they were truly the stars of their movies...
Sarlaac, “Return of the Jedi”
With the release of “Return of the Jedi,” the “Star Wars” movies had begun their slow decline that would turn into a steep drop with “Phantom Menace” and then plummet straight through the bowels of hell and into the molten core of the earth with “Attack of the Clones.” So perhaps things would have been better if the movie had instead focused on the Sarlaac, the immense, gaping mouth that slowly devours people over thousands of years in the Tatooine desert. We could have learned how he managed to wind up there without any feet, the tunes he might whistle as he waits eons before feedings, and how crippling loneliness causes him to talk out loud to himself nonstop, halting only to belch. Plus, we’d finally get to spend more time with Boba Fett as the bounty hunter slowly works his way through Sarlaac’s digestive system.
Eagle, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey”
Well into the seventh hour of the first of three (as of this writing) planned “Hobbit” movies, it’s only natural for your mind to wander. Soon you begin asking yourself, “What on earth does a Dragon need gold for? Is it in deep with mobsters?” Or “How come Goblintown was built like an 8-bit scrolling arcade game?” Or “What’s the deal with the eagles? Why do they always help strangers? How freaking big are their nests? And why can’t they just fly the dwarves straight to Lonely Mountain instead of abandoning them high up on some godforsaken rock? Was that some sort of sick joke? Are the eagles just bastards out for a good laugh?” Eventually you realize a story focused entirely on the giant birds would make for a much better movie, if only because it would last no more than 15 minutes and eagles are far less likely to break into song after dinner.
Alfred, “The Dark Knight Rises”
With so many characters including Batman, Selina, Bane, Future Robin, Commissioner Gorden, Talia al Ghul, Lucius, and on and on, “The Dark Knight Rises” is as big of a mess as Gotham City itself. That’s why it would be nice to step back and focus on a single, low-key character like Alfred…after he quits and leaves town altogether. The movie could then assume a much more pleasant pace as it follows Alfred buying Ikea furniture for his new one-bedroom apartment in cleaner Metropolis. Or perhaps adopting a cat he calls “Miss Squiggles” and lavishes far too much attention on. We can even see him not only plan his European vacation online through Kayak (after having some difficulty since he doesn’t care for this new-fangled thing called the Internet) but also quickly flee from a Florence café after spotting a certain someone he doesn’t want to get stuck in a conversation with.
Violinist, “Titanic”
We all know from the very beginning that Jack and Rose’s romance is doomed because their relationship has to underscore the tragedy of the Titanic’s sinking. But would we have been so sure about the ship’s main violinist? With him as the star we could have started the movie right at the moment the ship strikes the iceberg (losing the chasing and necklace subplot but perhaps allowing time for the nude sketch). Then we’d see the violinist quickly check his contract with the cruise line and learn that he promised to play until the very end of the voyage, whether the ship docks in New York or the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean. The rest of the movie plays out as the violinist alternates between cursing the hell out his agent and calling in favors with the rest of the string quartet so they’ll die with him.
Luigi and Guido, “Cars/Cars 2”
Most people who are not five-year-old boys or toy manufacturers agree that “Cars” and “Cars 2” are the low points in Pixar’s film history. The stories are too simple, the main characters are too flat, and the very idea of cars as people has probably led to some of the most frightening fanfic erotica imaginable. That’s why absolutely nothing could be lost by focusing entirely on two very minor characters—one who can barely speak English—as they put on and take off tires while telling each other dirty jokes, discussing what they’re going to have for dinner, realizing they gave Lightening McQueen a semi-truck’s rear tire by accident, drinking too much Peroni beer, and killing a whole 90 minutes so that no one need see or hear from Mater again.
Anyone Else, “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 2”
Bella’s father Charlie. Bella’s third-best friend from kindergarten, Jenny. Bella’s pizza order, Extra Cheese. Anyone or anything would be far better than having to spend another minute with the dead-eyed Bella Swan, Edward, Jacob, and the rest of the cast that somehow made the “Underworld” film series “The Godfather I & II” of vampire-werewolf relations by comparison.
What are some othe minor charcters that need their own movies? Let us know in the comments!
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