It’s that magical time of the year again! No, not the NBA All-Star game (Gold help you if you were looking forward to what ended up being a god-awful dunk contest.) It’s Pope choosing time! While I’m sure the Vatican already has it’s list of candidates ready to go, it seems like the Popes are rarely that different from each other. Benedict was considered a “conservative” Pope, but who’s the last Pope you can think of who you’d describe as free-wheeling and ultra-liberal? That’s why I think they should broaden their horizons a bit, maybe go with an unorthodox pick. Celebrities already bring so much joy to our lives, why not let them also be the mouth piece of God? Here, now, after much thought (about twelve minutes) are 8 Celebrity Choices to Replace The Pope:
Justin Bieber
He’s already got a tone of live performance experience, so I bet he’d give a hell of an Easter mass from that balcony, and we know that his Mother, at least, is very Christian. Plus, as an added bonus, that giant hat would cover up his terrible hair styles.
Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, P. Diddy, Diddy, et al
I’ll be honest. This idea only intrigues me because of the vast amount of Pope based nacknames we could end up with. Some examples: Pope Daddy. P Popey. Popey. Poppa Popey. Dirty Popey Money. Popey Diddy Money. The Pope Who Dated Jennifer Lopez. And so on.
Phil Jackson
If you have watched basketball, you know not to question the leadership credentials of the man who kept the egos of kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, and Shaquille O’Neal in check. Sure, some Catholics might be unhappy with the idea of a Zen-Buddhist pope, but just wait until he starts running Sunday service using the triangle offense.
Ryan Gosling
The Catholic church has had a lot of problems attracting new female members. You know what women love, perhaps to an unhealthy degree? Ryan Gosling. He’d just flash one of his weird, crooked smiles and talk in his fake new York accent, and the ladies would be lining up for communion in a heart beat.
Micahel Jackson
No, wait, SCRATCH THIS ONE!!!!!! Also because, cheap jokes aside, he is dead.
Tom From MySpace
The main reason I’d like to see this happen? I’d just like to know Tom was busy, that he was feeling okay. A bit of a charity Pope appointment.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
He’s looking for a new job, and after his terrible stint being a terrible governor, it’s probably good if we give him something with a lot fewer legislative duties. And he wouldn’t even need to learn the Latin that mass is usually performed in, because he’s so indecipherable no one would be able to tell the difference anyway.
Lindsay Lohan
Someone else who is currently looking for work, and since the Pope is driven around in the Popemobile whenever he leaves the Vatican, this would also serve the function of getting her out from behind the wheel. And I know, women cannot currently be ordained by the Catholic Church, but I really feel like we could pull the wool over their eyes on this one. Lindsay Lohan’s years of abusing herself via partying have left the appearance of someone who could, in fact, be a man in his late sixties and older.
What games got ruined for you by bad imitators? What?! My father designed that game, how dare you!? Let us know in the comments!
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