Yup. There’s only seven kinds of videos girls make on YouTube – and this is every single one of ‘em. (And by "girls," I mean solo chicks in front of their webcams systematically destroying decades of progress in equal rights. Not, like, the cast members of Lena Dunham’s Emmy-winning show.)
1. Makeup Tutorials
Inexplicably, these videos have millions of hits. Some chick who posts Lady Gaga ('cause she's received "hundreds of requests to replicate her") and Angelina Jolie (in case you "need to look like a seductive siren) has over half a billion channel views. This one, by some chick who has a paltry 120 million channel views, teaches viewers how to fake having abs (because "life is too short to stay inside"). It has a staggering 23 million hits even though it's literally five minutes of a chick brushing her midriff with bronzer.
Takeaway Quote: "Kinda blend it in. You don't want anything TOO fake."
2. What's in My Bag? Videos
As their names would imply, “What’s in my bag?” videos are videos in which chicks literally just show off the crap in their handbags. They’re always, without exception, insufferably long and mindblowingly inane. In this epic (13:49) clip, YouTube user juicystar07 (the baby genius who also brought the opus “How To [sic]: Wear a Scarf” into the world) shows off her bright pink bedroom, annoyingly chipper accent and Louis Vuitton purse. Her hobo-esque is filled to the brim like a damn clown car, the pièce de résistance being an enormous digital Scrabble dictionary she carries with her EVERYWHERE because, if she hears a word she doesn’t know (something that apparently happens constantly, she’s “not afraid to look it up.”
Takeaway Quote: “OK, so that’s all...that’s in...my baby.”
3. Messages to the Haters
YouTube is filled with thousands of girls who have taken it upon themselves to create angry responses to their “haters”, imploring them to "shut up" and “stop hatin’. Many videos are created to respond to the “hateration” of specific “haters” (which, unless you have intimate knowledge of the personal life of the poster, are people you do not know and will never meet). This particular video is created in defense of some dude named Kenny, who Sha insists is a “good guy.” In the comments section, Kenny is appreciative of his boo Sha’s defense of him in light of the hateration that’s been goin’ on. Thanks, Sha!
Takeaway Quote: "If you have somethin’ to say, make sure it’s positive."
4. Declarations of Love
If there’s one thing I know about teenage girls, it’s that they love to love. Gushing declarations of love (or "luv," to use the parlance of teen girlhood) for asexual pop sensations like Justin Bieber and the dudes in One Direction are all over YouTube. “Why i love Justin Bieber,” iLoveeBiebs’ touching black and white tribute to the boy wonder himself, has gotten her mad love in the comment section, inspiring one chick to write, “U are an amazing belieber even I don't know u.” (Which I’m pretty sure means she likes the video AND the Biebs.)
Takeaway Quote: "Love you justin :')"
5. Replies to Other Videos
There’s a butt-load of broads who use YouTube solely to post inane responses to videos that have a butt-load of hits – these gals are called “Reply Girls,” and they are, by and large, universally despised. A chick who goes by the username ReplyGirl is, as you would imagine, THE #1 Reply Girl on YouTube, with a channel that has almost 27 million hits. Wanna know what being a Reply Girl is all about? Check out this vid, straight from the horse’s mouth. (NOTE: It involves showing off your cleavage.)
Takeaway Quote: "Whether you spend an hour or thirty seconds doing a reply video, you are still going to get hate."
6. Taylor Swift Covers
Posting impassioned, usually acoustic, covers of Taylor Swift songs is what many teen and twenty-something girls do in lieu of bettering themselves and developing their own personal identities. Inexplicably, some of ‘em actually become popular by pantomiming the eye-rolling persona of the painfully un-self aware songstress – this particular video, for example, has over 24 million hits. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go sit in the dark for a while.
Takeaway Quote: ”We are never, ever, ever, getting back together.”
7. Rump Shakin' Videos
These videos answer the question, “What is the sound of one booty clapping?” The answer is usually, “nondescript rap music blasting from low-quality computer speakers.”
Takeaway Quote: "[nondescript rap music]"
What other tropes did I miss? Let me know in the comments!
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