Once upon a time, there was a game called Yoshi's Island, and it was totally rad. It was like Mario but better. You could shoot eggs at stuff, and sort of fly, and run around in landscapes that looked like Wonka candy. As a youngster, I often imagined what it would be like to live in such a cool place. Now that I'm older, I've thought about it, and, well... it's actually horrifying. Here's why.
Mind-Altering Substances
In a video game series known for magic mushrooms, fire-breathing turtles, and flying plumbers, it's really, really difficult to be remembered as "the trippy one." But that's exactly what Yoshi's Island is. There are these floating cotton things that show up all over the place, and if you bump into one of them, the whole world starts looking like it does up there. Anyone who's ever had a hippie uncle who can't remember anybody's name knows what repeated exposure to that kinda stuff does to you. Guaranteed, two weeks on Yoshi's Island and I'd start thinking the Grateful Dead don't suck.
Almost As Forgotten As The Korean War
If you're shaking your fist at that headline, yelling "WHAT?! Yoshi's Island is a stone cold classic! Everybody remembers it!", you are probably too old for this website. Yoshi's Island came out in 1995. If it were a person, it would be a high school senior right now. That's why if I lived there, I would have long since lost my mind after being abandoned to dusty memory, utterly alone in my struggle to escape. Kind of like Robin Williams in Jumanji. Which, by the way, also came out in 1995.
Desolate Loneliness
Who do you talk to on Yoshi's Island? There's only one other human on Yoshi's Island, and he's a baby. (For those of you who don't know, babies are a type of human that suck at most things, especially talking.) The Yoshis seem intelligent, but I love burgers so much that... well, let's say that I'd get sick of eating nothing but flowers. So no pleasant chitchat there. And what about getting a girlfriend? I mean, I could try [CENSORED] or [CENSORED] but I'd probably get stuck.
Constant Reminders Of My Mortality
Here's the human experience, as summarized by Yoshi's Island: An innocent babe is ripped from its home, spends ten seconds weeping in a tiny bubble, then dies. As babies, we are protected by our loving Yoshis. Then we are sent into the world, thinking we are safe and free, but no! We are confined beasts, moments from death at every turn. Then our illusion is shattered: the bubble pops, and we are forced to confront how vulnerable we are-- and have been!-- in the brief second we have before our weak bodies dash upon the rocks and all is lost.
Heavy sh*t, Yoshi.
This Thing
WHAT IS IT
KILL IT
KILLITKILLITKILLIT
Are you old like me? Let us know in the comments!
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