Much of science fiction and fantasy is about far off lands with magic both technological and bibity-bobity-boo-ical. So it’s no surprise that everywhere from Hoth to Hogwarts has an appreciation for the awe-inspiring wonder that is the male whisker. Some say when facial hair sprouts and is maintained, an angel gets their inside the pant wings. I say let’s all carpool to this moustache ride…that is what that means right?
The Psychlos, Battlefield Earth
Everyone always talks about how bad Battlefield Earth is, but what they are glaringly overlooking is how majestic the hairscape is on the aliens of the film. It’s the best accessory John Travolta has ever worn since Nicholas Cage’s face.
Blade, Blade
You don’t always see a moustache on a vampire, but when you do, it makes them look like a child molester.
Chewbacca, Star Wars Universe
Sure, his entire body is made up of hair. But do you want to tell him he can’t be on this list? Let the wookie whip his hair back and forth!
Khal Drogo, Game Of Thrones
In real life the Dothraki would be such Bronies. Khal Drogo would cosplay Twilight Sparkle because he’s secretly sensitive, it is known.
Flexo, Futurama
Like evil Spock before him, Bender’s tremendously likeable “evil” twin Flexo can be distinguished by his distinguished (and literally magnetic) beard. My evil twin has a beard too but it’s for work as the bearded lady. That’s probably not as funny to you because you thought I was a dude. Well jokes on you because so did my parents.
Alex Loius Armstrong, Fullmetal Alchemist
There is no equivalent exchange for this muscle bound softies’ push broom. It’s the Envy of the moustache world.
Hagrid, Harry Potter
Hagrid without a beard would be like Link without his pointy ears or Ash without his fighting slave balls, wrong for all the reasons.
The Dwarves, Hobbit
Where do they even find product in Middle Earth? I’m just glad they didn’t keep in the hour-long hair braiding scenes in the final cut.
Gendo Ikari, Neon Genesis Evangelion
If I were Shinji I wouldn’t devote my time to gaining my father’s approval since he’s the kind of guy that sports a chinstrapped neck beard like a confused Amish IT guy.
J. Jonah Jameson, Spider-Man
Sometimes long. sometimes Hitleresque, the JJJ-stache stops the presses, then starts them, then gets donut crumbs stuck in them that act as projectiles when he yells at Peter Parker.
Ra’s Al Ghul, Batman
Ra’s al Ghul may not have the facial hair Gotham wants, but he does have the facial hair that it needs. Does anyone else suspect that daughter Talia gets her upper lip waxed? No shame in it, just a hunch.
Lando Calrissian, Star Wars
Lando’s moustache has had more women than you will ever know.
Ming The Merciless, Flash Gordon
The Space Fu Manchu is not for the faint of follicle. It requires zero gravity, lazer razors, and racism.
Seneca Crane, The Hunger Games
Hey Seneca, do the carpets match the drapes? (ba-dum-bum-chhhhh) But seriously folks, take my children to their deaths, please.
Riker and Worf, Star Trek The Next Generation
Both beard robust and luxurious and a testament to this…
The Bearded Men of Space Station 11 - The State from Sebastián Hoch on Vimeo.
Tony Stark, Iron Man
The man that launched a thousand douches to take up manicuring their facial hair. Don’t get me wrong, it looks smart on both Tony and RDJ, but the douchequake it caused and the fallout thereof cannot be understated.
Stan Lee
Stan Lee was once a follically challenged young man walking a deserted street in downtown Manhattan when a meteor landed (BLAMMO!!!) right in his path. Out of the flaming embers scuttled a hairy creature from another world that latched onto his face, forever altering his and mankind’s future. Sure the parasite lays eggs that painfully hatch from his rectum at the peak of a lunar cycle, but the collaboration led to the modern comic landscape as we know it.
Which look pulled at your face strings? Let me know in the comments!
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Check out these Leaders from Sci-Fi and Fantasy I Could Get Behind!
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