Have you ever reached for a box of kid’s cereal only to recoil in horror (and not just from the price or the fact you grabbed “Product 19” by mistake)? Here are just a few of the breakfast choices that caused a nation to consider just having two lunches during the day instead…
OJ’s
Some kid cereal makers are so out of touch with their inner child that they don’t quite recall pouring orange juice and milk into the same bowl was NOT a favorite childhood past time. (Unless you did it as a practical joke to induce vomit in someone else). And yet Kelloggs proudly introduced an orange-flavored cereal featuring an “orange rancher” (?) mascot who branded oranges (either to make sure none of the other countless produce ranchers stole them or so the oranges never mistook themselves for plumbs). Then the rancher stood idly by on the cereal box as kids took one taste of their cereal before adding whatever they ate the night before into the bowl through constant heaving.
Choco Kiddo Balls
We’ve all experienced that moment in the supermarket cereal aisle when your mom’s hand passes by all your favorites Kelloggs and Post brands only to reach down to the lower shelves and grab a box/bag/loose pile of knock-off cereal. Sometimes these cereals are unappealing because even fake “Froot Loops” shouldn’t taste like a box of mini day-old bagels. And sometimes you can’t stomach them because you just can’t past their very unfortunate names. Such was the case with “Choco Kiddo Balls,” a cereal that both dared you to eat it and condemned you for even looking at it, leaving you hungry and mortified every morning until mom replaced it with a far more soothing box of Sonny losing his freaking mind over “Cocoa Puffs.”
King Vitamin
Short of saying “It’s like a penicillin shot every morning!” nothing can turn a kid off more than a cereal that proudly proclaimed itself as a “multi-vitamin and iron supplement.” It would be like eating from one of those “days of the week” pillboxes your grandparents break out whenever they visit. Furthermore, “King Vitamin” defies one of the most crucial rules of kid cereal advertising—always use a cartoon mascot. That’s because real person mascots are always associated with no-fun health foods or cereals that mention “fiber” so often you’re pretty sure it’s just a rope in milk. (Additional note to the makers of “King Vitamin”: When offering a toy surprise, make sure it’s an actual toy and not a cut-out mask that looks like it requires an agreed-upon “safety word” before use.)
Kream Krunch
First, let’s try to get past the odd idea of food mascots who practically ask you to eat them, like our ice cream friend above who seems all to happy to be serving chunks of his frozen brethren. (It would be like Tony the Tiger saying, “It’s greeeeaaat! Plus, you can really taste the tiger haunches and tail!”) And second, whatever fun the cereal promised kids who had been dying to incorporate ice cream into their morning routine was lost the moment they poured it out only to see what looked like a combination of Cheerios and 9Lives salmon slices, making it perhaps the first breakfast food available to help promote a shiny fur coat.
Cap’n Crunch’s Punch Crunch
If tasting orange juice and milk at the same time is disgusting (as in the previously mentioned “OJ’s” cereal), at least the two liquids are usually near each other at the breakfast table. But “Punch Crunch” sought to mix things up by asking kids that age-old question “Why aren’t you pouring Hi-C on your cereal instead?” (The answer, of course, being “Because my mommy loves me.”) The ultimate failure of this cereal may have been the only reason Cap’n Crunch didn’t take the next logical step and introduce kids to the flavor of Scotch in the morning. But what’s really interesting is that the cereal wasn’t pulled because the very idea made carnival food look nutritious by comparison but because religious groups thought the hippo sailor was coming on to the Cap’n and demanded the cereal be discontinued, thereby proving you should always have a hobby so you can stop bothering other people with your crazy.
Sugar Krinkles
AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!! BURN THE BOX!!! BURN THAT SCARY A** CLOWN FACE BOX AND BURY THE REMAINS SO DEEP THAT THEY BURN AGAIN FROM THE EARTH’S MOLTEN CORE!!! AUUUUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!
What's your least favorite cereal? Let us know in the comments!
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