Who doesn’t like to eat their meals from a food truck, especially when the kitchen prep area is only feet away from the truck’s exhaust pipe? But some food trucks seem to go out of their way to make eating from their menus either a complete dare or an eventual regret…
Grillenium Falcon
Featuring the best van art since the 1970’s when people last painted vans, the "Grillenium Falcon" features such sandwiches as the "Cheebacca," which oddly enough does not come loaded with loose fur and should have just been named the "Chewbacca" since that already sounds like a sandwich. (For crying out loud, it has the word "Chew" in it!) Alas, given its name this truck is doomed to be found out and sued out of existence anyway even if it is "the fastest hunk of junk" in Fayetteville, Arkansas.
The Gory Gourmet Zombie Food Truck
Created to advertise "The Walking Dead" series in London, "The Gory Gourmet" features a "what the hell" menu that plays up the idea of consuming body parts without making people walk all around in search of a Hardee’s. Items include the above Big Brain Burger (probably logical or intuitive flavored, depending on which side of the brain you choose), thyroid nuggets (the original working name for McNuggets before they switched to chicken), and skewered hearts (which are either shish kebabs or what you hope to dear God is just an oddly shaped jelly donut).
Hit n’ Run
Bringing all the fun of vehicular manslaughter to your lunch time courtesy of the slogan "Killer street food," "Hit n’ Run" adds a few more notches on the class post with such treats as the White Trash meets Wall Street "Coked-Up Onions," the food/drink/employee chained in back "Drunken Squealer," and the one menu item sure to destroy child innocence, the fish taco "We Found Nemo." Plus, not since a windowless van slowly drove around the neighborhood at night has a truck like a green 1970’s Winnebago so promised impending death.
Jerk Station
Is it driven and operated by complete a**holes? Did someone steal George Costanza’s "Jerk Store" idea and just put it on wheels? Is it something even more unsavory than we fear? Jerk food is delicious and no doubt this truck serves might fine fare, but when naming a company remember that what sounds like a funny name to you will make people do a hard pivot and start walking in the opposite direction, even if that means they’re only eating the Mentos in their pockets for lunch.
Egg Slut
Want to get your breakfast from the only restaurant that sounds like it could get a ticket for both traffic violation and prostitution? The "Egg Slut" offers everything you could desire so long as the only thing you desire is an egg, something that prominently features an egg, or the ability to suck on complimentary napkins for nutrients while the rest of your friends eat eggs. And it’s this laser-like focus on only one food group that has made the "Egg Slut" food truck in desperate need of some sort of attached sidecar like "The Pancake Pimp" or "French Maid Toast."
My Daddy’s Sausage
No. And no. And to reiterate—no.
Do you think these angry birds would benefit from court appointed anger management classes? Let me know in the comments!
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