Those sons of b****es. All Justin Bieber wanted was his monkey to accompany him on his trip to Germany. For weeks Justin had been telling his friends such things as, "I can't wait for myself and my monkey to eat German chocolate together!" and, "My monkey and I are so excited to single-handedly rebuild the Berlin wall, given that tearing it down was history's greatest mistake!"
Justin Bieber loves his monkey almost as much as he hates that the Berlin wall was torn down.
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TMZ, those bastions of worthwhile legitimate news, have given us this tragic tale, wherein Justin Bieber was stopped at the German airport and asked if he had the proper paperwork for his monkey. Justin did was he always does in that situation and said, "This is all the paperwork I need," pulling up his shirt and flashing his gat. They were not having it though, and the monkey was detained.
Germany, you done ***ed up now.
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Justin was hesitant to leave the monkey with German authorities and continue on with his tour, as the monkey is his spirit animal, and if it is killed, he also dies. But Justin Bieber, as we all know, cares more about his fans than he does himself, so he reluctantly left the beast behind and went on to perform many successful shows in Germany. Since Justin uses his monkey to help him with small time cat burglary (the monkey's tiny, quick hands are great at cracking locks), and the monkey was incarcerated, no homes were broken into during the tour.
Justin and Mally the monkey pump themselves up to go on a cat burglaring spree by taking turns snorting a line of coke and punching each other in the stomach.
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Will Justin get his monkey back? Whose to say. The only way we'll know for sure is if, a couple of days from now, a terrified Selena Gomez wakes up with her bedroom window broken, and tiny monkey scratches all over her face and she doesn't know why.
Judging by Selena's terrified facial expression Justin got his monkey back, alright. And, as usual, it will stop at nothing to avenge him.
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How many monkeys do you want to send against Selena Gomez to defeat her? Let us know in the comments below!
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