The Wolverine, the sixth (SIXTH) movie in the X-Men franchise, is coming to theaters in July. Since Wolverine already had a movie made about him, some nerds are mad about this. "Why does Wolverine get TWO movies?" they wheeze through the asthma inhalers protruding from their face fat like tragic snorkels. "What about all the other X-Men?"
I'm here to tell you the reason why the other X-Men don't get their own movies. Heave your mammoth bulk into a sitting position, dweeb; this is gonna be exciting.
Cyclops
Making a movie about Cyclops is like making a movie about Jacob from Twilight: he's only there to be a safer, lamer, weaker version of the main guy so that the main girl gets to dump somebody. Cyclops has a cool suit? Wolverine has a metal skeleton. Cyclops can't look at anybody? Wolverine is invincible. Watching a Cyclops movie would be both more painful and less interesting to watch than Professor X's physical therapy.
Rogue
The whole point of Rogue is that if she touches anybody they lose their powers and maybe die, so she has to cover her body from head to toe. Try to sell that to Hollywood and see how fast they say "Okay, but can we give her a magic bikini that shuts that off? Also, can this movie be about a sexy surfer? Also, can this movie actually be about nipples?" In Hollywood, fully clothed female superheroes are less common than fully clothed nudists.
Beast
Hollywood already made two movies about a big strong scientist with weird-colored skin, and both of them sucked. Imagine the pitch for the Beast movie: "He's like the Hulk, if the Hulk never left his lab." Pass.
That Screaming Flying Squirrel Guy From X-Men: First Class
Wikipedia tells me this guy's name is Banshee, but to me he'll always be The World's Most Annoying Ginger. Banshee's power is screaming so loud that he produces super-powered sound waves that let him fly and knock bad guys over. Any movie about Banshee would be about this ginger weirdo solving all of his problems with screaming, and I think we've all seen enough Nicolas Cage movies to know that that gets annoying after a while.
Storm
Racism.
Are you trouble, bub? Let us know in the comments!
Comments
Post a Comment