Technology is both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, it makes our lives wicked easier – on the other, most of us squander all the free time it provides us. Not only are we reliant on technology, we’re addicted to it. I mean, seriously – when was the last time you were able to stay entertain yourself without your phone? When you were in the womb? Get it together, man! Stop staring at your ‘Droid, and stop standing idly by as your lifeforce slips away. In short, stop wasting your youth on these inane online endeavors.
Shake ‘Dat
Let me get this straight – you’re still watching those dumbass Harlem Shake videos? Get with the times, old man – that crap’s passe! You may as well be watching a compilation of clips featuring that dancing baby from Ally McBeal, or the flashing lights of the "Under Construction" GIF that used to dominate Geocities. Or, better yet, a meteor hurtling towards Earth...‘cause you’re a dinosaur, man.
Reddit and Forgeddit
I don’t think participating in Reddit "AMA" sessions and asking, "Who farted?" to social and political bigshots like President Obama is a worthwhile expenditure of your time, Trevor. Do you? Are you proud of yourself, Trevor? Are you proud of the fact that you just asked the leader of the free world whether or not he farted? Trevor, you disgust me. No, I will not pull your finger.
Top Ten Mind Shattering Lists
DID YOU KNOW? The more you absorb content in list form (via sites like Smosh, Buzzfeed, and Cracked), the more you destroy your brain's capacity to read anything longer than a paragraph. Soooo....so long Shakespeare, hello "The Top 8 Ways to Hide a Boner in Your Gym Shorts!"
Sticky Wiki
It’s just as easy to fall into a Wiki-hole as it is to fall into a sinkhole. You start out actually using Wikipedia for homework purposes – the next thing you know, you’re reading Jar Jar Binks’ page. (Although, if you hadn't read it, you wouldn't know that Joe Morgenstern of The Wall Street Journal described Jar Jar as a "Rastafarian Stepin Fetchit on platform hoofs, crossed annoyingly with Butterfly McQueen" and that Patricia J. Williams "suggested that many aspects of Jar Jar's character are highly reminiscent of the archetypes portrayed in blackface minstrelsy." Huh!)
If Loving You is Wrong, I’m Probably Doing it From a Distance
We’ve all spent an hour (or eight) cyberstalking hotties we know are totally out of our league. Choosing said hottie’s Facebook profile as your homepage, however, might veer into creepazoid territory. (And besides, do you really need to know how "OMG cute!!!!" her dog is in real time?)
Eat to the Tweet
Tweeting at a company is just plain stupid. Do you really think Time Warner wants to know how crappy their internet service is? Hell no, bro! They just wanna keep makin’ that sweet, sweet paper! The only thing sadder than tweeting a complaint to a business is tweeting a compliment. Sure, one of Taco Bell’s representatives might get back to you, but you know what you’ll never get back? Your dignity.
Troll Treasure Trove
It may not seem like it in the heat of the moment, but trust me. If you die without letting comment section trolls know what you really think of the new Batman movie, you haven’t missed anything. So chill the hell out, OK?
A Yelp for Help
Yelping about the quality of the food at your local Arby's serves as a public record of the fact that you eat at Arby’s. Do you really want the entire world to know that sad, sad fact?
Life’s a precious gift. What banal activities do you like pissing away the day on? Let me know in the comments!
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