Why do I keep going there?
I loathe Walmart.
I love the low prices, yet hate the abject apathy that seems to loom large at the big W. If I haven’t mentioned it before, I would like to state for the record that I have a very strange phobia about Walmart.
No matter what I’m doing, at the 10 minute mark I just walk out. I always think I will be able to handle it after prolonged exposure, but it never changes.
So I am shopping for my useless goods and it hits - I need to pee.
Lets just say that I have a very industrious bladder and when I have to go - I really have to go. So I’m in Walmart's door-less bathroom...
I say door-less not to give the impression that I’m peeing in view of everyone, its just that the configuration of the entrance is like a corn maze. You have to walk around a few corners and such. As restrooms go, its pretty nice... clean and spacious, modern looking with subway tiles all over.
So I’m at the urinal doing my thing when I fart. Not your normal fart.
This was the kind that makes you look behind you to see if there are any casualties, like when you fire a SAM missile and you are worried about the backwash of stage 1 ignition.
Well as a well-versed bathroom farter I spin my head in search of someone to blame this on. This is a technique I developed years ago and it has served me well. You fart then let someone else exit the bathroom before you, thereby taking the brunt of the scorn of anybody who may have heard you through the door.
The problem is that it's late at night and there is nobody.
As stated before this was no ordinary flatus. It wasn’t the most violent fart that I have laid down, but definitely in the top 10. What made it worse was the fact that someone decided to model the acoustics in there after the Sistine Chapel.
After I got past the initial fear (yes my own farts scare me, they remind me of the evil spirits leaving the Ark in Indian Jones).
I thought that it might be ok to leave as the din of all the customers coming through line might hide the blast. Then I remembered again that it was late and that the store was EMPTY. There was nobody to blame but myself.
As I exited my gaze was met with 3 employees looking at me with disgust.
I looked up at the big Walmart clock on the wall and it had been exactly 10 minutes since I entered the store, and it was definately time to leave.
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