Finally! A movie is being made about the best video game of all-time: Angry Birds. I’m not even sure that it’s much of a video game, I usually just play it on my phone during awkward social situations, regardless, since getting all 3 stars on every level I have reflected long and hard on my life and what to do now that it is all over. Here is a short list of angry birds in real life that you don’t want to mess with.
1. Ostriches
Ostriches are deadly beasts, you wouldn’t think so because they always look frightened and stupid, but they are deadly. If you and your friends ever think it is fun to get intoxicated and hop the fence at an ostrich farm and chase around these beasts, you are in for a rude awakening. When a confused Ostrich starts running at you, that’s when you realize this thing used to be a Raptor and even though he won’t bite you, he can still kick.
2. Afghani Falcons
These creatures are modern day pterodactyls... They hunt wolves and throw goats off of mountain tops. If you have never seen falcon vs. wolf, it makes mongoose vs. cobra look like a pillow fight.
3. Seagulls
If you think seagulls are harmless, wait until you stumble across one of their nests. You are at the beach relaxing, maybe taking a walk down the boardwalk to get a frozen banana and boom - out of nowhere there is a squawking kamikaze attack headed straight for your dome.
4. Owls
Last year when the movie ‘Legend of the Guardians’ came out, I thought to myself; Finally, a movie about owls! Owls are, by far, the creepiest of all birds. Their heads turn around, they blink slowly and ominously, their eyes can move independently, and their call sound like a construction working picking up chicks on his lunch break. Creepy!
5) Hoatzin
The Hoatzin is a bird ninja because it has spikes on its head, and sharp claws on its feet and wings. Its nickname is the “stinkbird” because, when mad, it let's one rip! Come to think of it, so does my dad.
6. Cassowary
The female Cassowary is a real heartbreaker. After she mates with a male and lays her eggs, she bails immediately and is on the prowl again. The male ends up being a stay at home Dad, who has to protect the nest vigilantly with his razor sharp claws. Oh and did I mention that these things have been known to kill humans? I think we need to pick a new bird for Thanksgiving dinner.
7) Vultures
A vulture’s best defense against their enemies is to projectile vomit on them... they eat dead things, and when it gets too hot they poop on their own legs to cool off. Sometimes when it's really hot I like to let one go in my pants to cool off a little too. What? NO! That's disgusting.
8) Parrot
Parrots can be angry depending on what you teach them to say. My Grandmother taught her parrot how to say "please" and "thank you"… what a waste of a perfectly good parrot.
I’ve come to learn that birds are disgusting, ruthless and stupid. God wasted the gift of flight on countless species that are too pea-brained to appreciate it. They sure are pretty to look at however.
Which bird are you the most scared of?
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