So my newest hobby is surfing Wikipedia and jumping around historical time periods like a cracked out Dr. Who. This is a far more productive way to waste time than my last endeavor of crashing parties and pretending to be Scottish. However it has caused me to contemplate several valid life questions. First and foremost being; if I could time travel, where would I go? So I decided to put together a bloody list of the top 10 coolest places me neap arss would go if I had a time machine. Haggis.
10. 3000
#1 priority once I get my DeLorian or flying phone booth or whatever takes me through time, I’m going into space. I can’t wait to see what the world looks like in 3000 (please be just like 5th Element…please be just like 5th Element…) but one thing is for sure, our planet will be entering the era of galactic exploration. You know how we think about how weird and crazy it is that the first people to fly in planes were so impressed? That’s how our great, great, great, great, great grandkids are gonna feel about us when they’re cruisin to space school in their space Camero.
9. Ancient Greece
Athenian4Life bro! Those Persians were disgusting, it was more like MESSedonia before the Greeks came in, am I right!? And how about Zeus’ wife huh? Hera? I hardly know-her!
Obviously I want to travel to ancient Greece for stand up comedy purposes, but also because it is one of the most romanticized and influential periods in history. Also I’m a fan of peplos tunics.
8. 10 years into the future
This one is strictly self-indulgent. It’s impossible to ignore the fact that if given the ability to see what we become we would all take it. Fingers crossed I’m doing 80 in a Mazaradi, but I’ll settle for employed and not super fat. Of course I’d have to follow this trip with a trip to 2001 so I can warn myself of any impending doom. Hopefully it won’t cause a paradox! Did he break the lamp because she said he’d break the lamp? You’re blowin my mind Neo!?
7. 900
I wanna be a Viking! Those guys were awesome! Dude, it was a law that Norse guys HAD to carry weapons at all times. Which is crazy cause they were notoriously hot tempered! Imagine if we had that rule now, the DMV would like a battle scene from Pathfinder.
6. 1
Just to be there for the centerfold of time. I heard there was some kid who could change water into booze so I’d probably check that out. Then who knows, maybe hit up a cruise or something.
5. 1930
Oh yeah, it’s time for the obligatory Hitler assassination. Only, I don’t know if I’d simply just assassinate him. I DO have a time machine at my disposal. Maybe I’d get creative and drop him off with some of my old Viking buddies. Tell them he was making fun of their horns, see what happens.
4. 199 Mya (Million years ago)
Dinosaur time! The Jurassic Period is like Star Wars for reptiles and it’s AWESOME! The coolest part would be seeing what the paleontologists got wrong. $20 bucks says raptors can talk! I’m totally getting a pet pterodactyl when I’m there so if you guys have any suggestions for what to name it, let me know. Right now I’m leaning towards naming it after another bird, maybe a cardinal, Pterodactalbert Pujolsaurus.
3. 1975
I’d see The Ramones play CBGB then make my way through seedy New York, maybe hitchhike down to Washington D.C. to protest that jerk Gerald Ford! The music, the teen angst, the saturation of suburban boredom, the 70s had it all man. It was the last time kids got to be kids with out worrying about computers, or crazy student loans, or STDs.
2. 5000
Robot-zombie apocalypse you guys! Here’s how it works. The robots take over, THEN turn everyone into zombies. And only myself and a small, racially diverse group of survivors are left to try and annex a small corner of the planet and rebuild. Also, no one uses Facebook anymore, it’s all Mashgoggleparty.com. You’ll see, it’s gonna be CRAZY!
1. 1450
The Renaissance – the most artistic and creative time in human history. If it’s anything like Shakespeare in Love, I’m not coming back. It would be fitting for the time machine to break down in one of the most scientifically ambitious time periods. And with it, I would remain. And spend the rest of my days kicking it with cross-dressing Gwyneth Paltrow, Leonardo Da Vinci, and the world’s first humanists. Seacrest, OUT!
Where would you guys go? Let me know by tweeting me @DanBorrelli and I’ll retweet the coolest suggestions. Remember, no idea is a bad idea, unless that idea is The Sake Weight. Talk to me in the comments below! Where would you go?
Comments
Post a Comment