How To Spot A D-Bag (In Ten Words Or Less)

Jessica Poter

Easily confused with a “charming gentleman” or a “silly man-child,” the “d-bag” is a stealthy breed of human male. “The d-bag” preys on females with his attractive looks and oftentimes shockingly abrasive ways. The female, driven by naivety/desperation, opens her heart to the male, only to allow it to be swallowed and regurgitated in pellet form, then dissected by a biology class. Here’s a quick guide to spotting a douche in just ten words or less.

1. “I Got So Drunk On Patron Last Night."

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This sentence accomplishes two things: A) this guy thinks getting drunk is an impressive feat in and of itself, and B) this guy thinks that the fact that he spends his money frivolously on expensive alcohol will make you like him more. This guy will also expect you to laugh when he crashes his Ferrari into a tree, injuring only the person in the passenger’s seat.

2. “We Don’t Need To Talk About Our A-List Exes.”

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No, we don’t, don’t we? But now I’ll be awfully curious every time we walk by a movie theater or a lie detector.

3.“Just Being Honest—I Do What’s Best For Me.”

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D-bags often hide behind the guise of being a “good person.” Admitting he might leave at any point does not make him honest, it makes him Carmen Sandiego. Men who want to stay with you more than a month/until you’ve had sex won’t feel the need to articulate that doing what’s best for them might be at odds with what’s best for you.

4. “Your Roommate Said No, So…”

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Hey, you’re not supposed to acknowledge other women exist!

1. “Your Roommate Said Yes, So…”

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But why wasn’t I the first one you asked?

6. “I Think You Like It When I Use That Word.”

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This guy thinks he knows girls better than they know themselves. He also thinks he knows the best words. But you pride yourself on being a wordsmith. Prepare yourself for unwanted tongue action.