So in my many years as a professional and highly sought after SAT tutor, I have learned a few things. First off, people use commas, way too often,., Also, a mental and physical preparation for the test is just as important as, studying, material. So I just want to give all you high school kids out there my 10 most effective ways to prep for the SATs.
9. MARATHON “ANCIENT ALIENS” ON NETFLIX
Have you seen this show? It’s crazy. Aliens apparently invented everything! Pyramids, tools, Nutella… Once you realize your entire exam was created by a species far superior to your own, you’ll relax a little. And this time your essay will surely inspire.
8. START PLAYING WORLD OF WARCRAFT
Remember, if you answer a question wrong you lose points. So what better way to ensure a decent score than by skipping the test all together? About 6 hours before you’re supposed to take the test log on and create a World of Warcraft account. 3 years later when you wake up from your Matrix-like slumber, you’ll realize you’re better off having skipped college completely. Hey, at least you’ll be debt free (not counting that Blizzard account balance). Viva la 1%!
7. EAT YOUR WEIGHT IN YOSHINOYA BEEF BOWL
Guess what you totally can’t do while working on a section of the SATs? A) Use the bathroom. Using the bathroom:SATs :: Girls:talking to me – not even if the world was ending. So clogging yourself full of MSG is a surefire to make sure that you finish each section on time. You know the phrase, “piss like a race horse?” Well, you get the idea…
6. STAY UP FOR 5 NIGHTS IN A ROW
They did a study and showed that a man who stayed up for nearly a week ended up starring at a stop sign for almost 2 hours. He was also talking to it but that’s neither here nor their (grammar tip: remember neither = nor and either = or and stop signs = friends). The point is, with a heightened attention span getting through a 4 1/2 hour test is cake.
5. SIT NEXT TO SOMEONE WHO IS SUPER ATTRACTIVE
You don’t want to be distracted by the overwhelming amount of formulas and grammar rules and whatnot. So make sure you sit next to a hottie. You know, someone who is a cross between Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling. This way, you’re sure to forget all about those stupid gramulas or whatever.
4. PROGRAM POKEMON INTO YOUR TI83
But don’t even think about starting with Bulbasaur. Nobody starts with Bulbasaur. Bulbasaur doesn’t even start with Bulbasaur. By the time you’re done raking through the safari zone it’ll be time to put those pencils down. You may have missed the test, but you’ve made a lifetime of 8bit memories.
3. LEARN KARATE
Make sure you learn karate. That way, when you’re 4 sections in and your mind starts to wander and you do that thing where you start to fantasize about what would happen if somebody broke into the school and started trying to kill everyone and you would have to be the one to run up and stop him and pry the gun from his hands like Rambo and save everyone’s life and Nikki Simmons would totally want to go out with you now and you’d be on the news and get to host SNL and stuff… When that happens, you’ll be prepared and more confident. Remember the SATs is all about knowledge confidence.
2. GO ON A COMEDIC ROAD TRIP WITH YOUR BUDDIES AND SHOW UP 5 MINUTES BEFORE THE TEST
Okay so let’s say you make your long distance girlfriend a video diary (cause Skypes not a thing) and you accidentally mail her a sex tape (cause tapes are still a thing). All you have to do is beat the tape there. Then when you get back right before the exam Amy Smart calls in a bomb threat. And since you’ve studied the ENTIRE 6 hour bus ride back to school… Boom! 2200. At least.
1. GET ACCEPTED INTO COLLEGE
Yeah so this pretty much seals it. If you somehow get into a school with out taking the SATs you can pretty much say screw it to the test. In fact, the second you get into a college of any kind you can pretty much say screw it to just about everything. Is your academic career still alive? Nope,it's Chuck Testa. Chuck…Testa… Just make sure you pay enough attention for the last-night-of-high-school party. That’s always a great movie. So, you’re madly in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt, right? Just go with me…
What are you doing to prep for the test? Let me know on twitter by yelling at me @danborrelli or leave a comment below.
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