Before that first snowflake, before that first holiday cartoon, even before that first shouting match at the family Thanksgiving table, the season will already be upon us. Here are six signs to let you know you’re already behind schedule.
Red Starbucks Cups
Like a virulent skin rash epidemic, soon every hand in America will be sporting a seasonal red Starbucks cups, each holding a holiday-flavored beverage like gingerbread or egg nog or turkey stuffing or green bean casserole. But it’s that first cup sighting in early November that lets you know the next eight weeks will be spent in a blur of credit card debt and trying to convince yourself the latte you’re drinking tastes like peppermint and not Aquafresh.
80% Off Halloween Candy (20% Mark-Up on Red and Green M&Ms)
When Easter ends millions of homeless marshmallow peeps are priced to move to avoid being turned back into housing insulation. And so it is with Reese’s Peanut Butter Pumpkins, Brach’s Candy Corn and all the other Halloween treats that sit marked down on store shelves like sweet reminders of why so many of us lost a foot to diabetes this October. But almost immediately they are replaced by a sea of red and green-wrapped candy that will keep us in sugar heaven or at least severe metabolic distress until the Valentine’s Day chocolate appears on December 26.
That Song You Hate Is Back
Maybe it’s “The Twelve Days of Christmas,” a song that combines the joy of singing the same tune like an OCD caroler with the fun of reading off the shopping list of a maniac. Or perhaps it’s “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer,” a song that was fun for the first 30 seconds of its existence before it was blared to force dictators out of their compounds. Or maybe it’s that Mannheim Steamroller cover that shows you what “The Carol of the Bells” would sound like if played like “The Imperial March” from “Star Wars.” Whatever the song, it’s back, and your violent holiday facial spasms can begin anew.
Wild-Eyed Children
They say animals can sense an oncoming natural disaster due to heightened senses or access to better news sources. And so it is with children who the moment they take off their Halloween masks or choke down their last cheap-a** trick-or-treat Chiclets box quickly realize Christmas is coming. Soon their pupils dilate, their mouths foam and they read every single holiday catalog like it was an eighth Harry Potter book, but this time starring Geoffrey the Giraffe from Toys R Us.
Old Navy Ads Start Running 25 Hours a Day
Just because Old Navy no longer runs those Mannequin Family ads that answered the age-old question “What if dummies came to life and yearned for poorly-stitched clothing” doesn’t mean you’ll avoid repeatedly seeing a new set of holiday commercials that will make you wish 2011 was the year the Mayans said the Earth would explode.
Everybody Is Talking about How It’s Too Early to Be Talking about the Holidays
”Halloween was just last week,” we’ll all say. “Can’t we even have time to focus on Thanksgiving?” well all ask. “What do you mean you’re out of the one toy my child wants more than that kidney he desperately needs?!” we’ll all shout. “HOW COULD IT ALREADY BE DECEMBER 24TH?!?” we’ll all cry into our palms as we fall to our knees in a Costco parking lot, realizing we have yet to buy a single gift, mail a single card or throw out that now festering corpse of a pumpkin from our front porch. “Happy Holidays! I got everyone a sampler of my neighbors’ mail” we’ll all exclaim, promising to get a jump start on the holidays next year.
What are some other signs that the holidays are here? Let us know in the comments!
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