So I’ve finally gotten through all the Angry Birds levels, all the Rio levels, and every damn holiday in the seasons app. It then occurred to me that a game where you use a slingshot to launch a bird that can already fly has a lot of practical uses in real life. That, plus the fact that I didn’t have any better ideas for an article this week, have lead me to determine the 10 best ways Angry Birds would be helpful in real life. Let us know how you’d use a real-life Angry Bird in the comments below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
10. HOLIDAY TRAVEL
Sick of jacked up airline prices every winter? Bummed you can’t make it back home for your sister’s birthday weekend. Try Angrylines. It’s like Virgin Amurrca but faster! Just hop on any of our birds and get launched to your destination in seconds. However you might want to take caution, these birds will explode 4 seconds after landing. So make sure to wear your running shoes.
9. GETTING A BOOMERANG TO ACTUALLY WORK
It doesn’t make sense. I guess since Australia is upside down the gravity is different so boomerangs can work there. – Science. But here in Amurrca it’s impossible to get one of those lit @#$(ers to fly back to you. These little guys could solve all your outdoor hobby needs. Don’t even get me started on how they’d reinvent the game of Frisbee golf!
8. FRACKING
So the yellow ones can pretty much break through any surface. If they can get deep enough I think we may have found a new way to drill for oil. It would be just like the Beverly Hillbillies except in color.
7. CONTROLLED DEMOLITION
The fat egg dropping ones are the best! And everyone loves a good demolition. What better way to bring down an abandoned building then by flying a giant bomb-dropping bird over it. Although we’d have to be careful. Cause if they click the screen too early we could lose entire cities. We could probably use the black ones but they role, a lot, and that could be even worse…
6. DISRUPTING A PHELPS FAMILY FUNERAL PROTEST
These guys are constantly preaching how god will reign down from above and punish all those who sympathize with gay rights. What better way to keep them away from soldiers’ funerals then by reigning down on them with little blue birds? Hell, the amount of bird poop these little guys would cause alone is enough to deter a picket line.
5. TO GET BACK AT YOUR EX
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Next time you break up with a guy or a girl and you really want that t-shirt back you can scale an all out attack on them. Nothing says “I’m over it” like bombarding someone’s house with living, pissed off, flying animals. It’s a guaranteed way to say, “hey buddy, it’s you, not me.”
4. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE
While we’d all like to think we know the best way to survive one of these things. The fact of the matter is, we don’t. And unless we have a heavy arsenal of aerial assault weapons, we may end up just another extra on Walking Dead. These birds would give us a range of options for fighting and evading zombies. Plus we’d never have to worry about running out of bullets. To the shopping mall!
3. ASSISTING THE OCCUPY MOVEMENT
What’s the best way to combat tear gas and rubber bullets? Fat red birds. These guys serve nearly NO purpose in the game. But in real life, they’d be a great weapon against tyranny. Sometimes even those who refuse to fight need a kick ass weapon. Hence the Cold War.
2. IN CASE THERE'S A REBELLIOUS PIG MILITIA BENT ON GLOBAL ANNIHILATION
In the not-so-rare event that this does happen, (it will – science) we bet be ready. An all out war between giant, self-aware war pigs and an army of warrior birds would make Michael Bay movies look like Yo Gabba Gabba (jokes operate under the “rule of threes” – science). I don’t know about you guys but I want to be on team bird for this one. Why would an army of mutant pigs go through all the trouble of annexing territory only to stay stationary under a shoddy, cheaply constructed wooden fortress?
1. AS PETS
Did any of us ever think for a second that maybe these birds don’t WANT to be angry? No, we didn’t! Maybe they just want to be loved. Maybe birds and humans can once again live side by side like they did in the glory days of the 1990s. Also, how kickass would it be to have a pet that explodes!?
What ares some other uses for real life Angry Birds? Let me know in the comments section below or by tweeting at me @danborrelli
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